Rocket Science versus the School of Hard Knocks

Have you ever noticed how just some thing are just not meant to be put together? Well if you haven’t then it time you live and learn, I sure in the heck just did.

I am smart, book smart I might add and I would like to think I’m street smart also, but what I don’t seem to be is dog smart. I just never get IT, whatever IT is. No matter how hard I try to be the best mommy for my doggies, seems that fate has something else in mind for me.

The laws of attraction, think about it, take a good look at your life and you can see how some things are just natural right?? Ok I know most of us understand that. For instance you go and find that perfect little puppy, oh so cute, the puppy breath, the razors for teeth, the pee the poop the destruction of shoes and anything else they can find and don’t forget the mayhem.

But they grow up and to be normal dogs, owners get that very special doggie that they have dreamed of. You know the ones, they go potty outside, and they only chew on their toy’s, they never eat off the dinner table, they don’t pee or poop In the house and you can leave them all day while your at work and come home to a very nice clean home and the dishes being done, the same house you left that morning but better?. Now that is the picture of the ideal dog and I know they are out there, but where? Not sure, but definitely not in my house. In fact I can even say never to this one, not one dog have I ever had was the perfect dog. No Martha Stewart home here, not now and probably not ever, just not happening.

Take today for example; it’s been a long day, a really long day, a really, really, long day. Let me enlighten you this is how my day starts. 7:00 am rise and shine, (yeah right) the birds are chirping outside on my kitchen window sill, the coffee has magically started itself.

The children, the lovely children, come into the kitchen with a song in their heart (yes it’s true, they all sound like Sarah Brighton or Josh Grobin) and a smile on their face, (are you seeing Norman Rockwell?) and let’s not forget the homemade hot cinnamon rolls baking in the oven, the smell is bliss, it puts such a smile on your face knowing your little world is perfect. Now if that was not enough to have a perfect day; my doggie let themselves out in the yard, (yes, I could not believe it either) and you’ll never guess what they did? Yes, they cleaned up their own poop. And not only that they fed themselves also “Now that’s what I’m talking about!” What wonderful doggies, what wonderful children.

Oh My, whom would be knocking at my door so early in the morning? Why it’s the
lovely Ms.Got to Be Perfect? She and I are members of the “Best Friends Forever”
Club. Why look, she has brought me my newspaper and fresh strawberries already
cleaned and cut, but wait, what’s this? Yes, you have it, she made the whole family
waffles for the strawberries, and if that wasn’t enough (that dear women) she stopped and milked a cow so the children could have fresh whole milk without steroids, additives, poison, pesticides ect.

Oh my, she takes such good care of us. I strive to be more like her. What a blessed woman she is, “I’m so lucky to have such a great Best Friend! Oh look it’s time for my children to go to school, But wait, what’s that? Did I hear that my best friend is taking them to school? Oh my, I’m just so blessed. Then the children gather up their backpacks and of course all their homework is done, my children only get A’s you know, and look here comes the limo, all ninety feet of it. Oh my, heavens look at that, Brad Pitt is driving the limo. Wow it just doesn’t get any better then this. I have such a perfect world. (Now that is sarcasm at its finest!)

Ha, I’ll tell you this much, I must have been dreaming or hitting the spirits early in the morning to have thought up all that crap. Not now, not ever will I have that kind of life.

I have Dogs, I have grandchildren, and they both have mouths the need either to be shut at times and feed at others. Neither one cleans up after themselves, you want waffles you say? Get them out of the freezer stick it them in toaster and throw some strawberry jam on it and call it good. Oh what’s that? You want fresh milk?? Here try this, it might be good for you, it has steroids, additives, pesticides, hormones ect. In, sounds healthy to me and take a look at me, I’ve always drank store bought milk and nothing is wrong with me.

The little birdie sitting on my window sill? humm if it doesn’t leave now I am going to get my shotgun out and blow his head off. He will regret ever landing on my window sill.

It’s time to make the coffee and I find the coffee can empty, unbelievable, I have killed People and buried their bodies in a box in my backyard for less. I start searching cupboards for coffee none to found, I’m desperate I need my one cup of coffee and I need it NOW! I run to my neighbor begging for just a cup of coffee, what’s that? You’re all out? Why this could not be, what am I going to do now?

I don’t do thinking this early in the morning. Coffee must have coffee. I go home and start putting my thinking cap on. Hummm I think, well there is yesterday grounds still in the pot sounds like a good idea to me, I’ll just use those. Hey you would do the same thing in a crisis like this.

Now I must take care of the doggies, the need to go outside and do their business. My
ideal world you would say “Fluffy can you go pee and poop please?” and they really do? Wouldn’t that be the perfect thing for Caesar Milan to work on. I see it now Doggies outside waiting for the command to pee and poop. Hummm another thought what if they could not pee or poop unless they were told they could? Now that would not be very nice, but funny, as if you don’t have enough problems and then you dog blows up because you need amusement? (Bad thought Sherry). PETA will be knocking at my door in the near future.

So here I sit waiting for the dogs to do their business; and you know what? They have to sniff every blade of grass, why I ask? I just don’t understand Why? Is it not the same blade of grass they sniffed the last time they were out?? I know that it is. And you know what else I noticed? Rooby is Evil (my doxie). It could be raining, snowing, hurricane, (hey that one would be cool, I’m land locked) earthquake, flood, or nuclear fallout. This dog would still sniff every blade of grass and at the time looking at me with one eye. So you know she is doing it just to irritate me.

So the doggies are fed and there are happy. I now must get Tilar (my other Granddaughter) out the door for school, Tilar Where is your homework? I ask… Grandma Hemi ate it! she replies. What? I look at her with a look of you really don’t expect me to believe that do you? She said Grandma, I swear…she wines! Hey I wasn’t born yesterday and that excuse has been around before I was born.

So I call her dad and tell him that Tilar claim that Hemi ate her homework what do you want me to do? Mom he did eat Tilar’s homework, in fact you can go upstairs and find bits and pieces of homework strewn all over my floor and probably find the rest of it in his morning poop.” (Now that a visual I didn’t need) wow who would of thought, It really can happen! Go figure! So now I have to write a note to tell the teacher the dog ate Tilar’s homework. I expect a phone call with this one.

Now it’s time to get Lani on the bus for Pre-school. I put on her coat and her backpack and we hear the bus honk it horn and out the door runs Lani. But what I didn’t see was Rooby my doxie run out also, so I close the front door not thinking anything about it. I get a call from the school saying that they have an escaped convict at their school. Well here I am thinking OMG, panic, mayhem (hey; I do mayhem well) my baby what am I going to do? And convicts taking over a pre-school? What is up with that? Can you please come to school immediately? Yes right away. So now I need to think, what am I going to do when I get there? Know one will ever hurt or scare my babies, not as long as I’m living.

Ok my brain is working overtime, (yes, that can happen!) Ok I must warm up the car and maybe take Hemi, even though he is a puppy he has been training for the last ofur months. Hemi let’s go! Now Hemi loves the car, he is very good in the car as long as he can see where he is going. I don’t believe in leaving a dog in a car unless they are within eyesight.

Hemi’s loads up and I’m off. Mock ninety; I have ten miles before I get to the school. I pull up to the school expecting to see police swat teams, but there was nothing, no police, no swat team, nothing. I’m curious as to what is going on, do I dare go in the class room and grab Lani? Do I take Hemi in to show intent and force?

What is going on here I wonder. So now I must reanalyze, was the teacher being sarcastic? (God Knows, I’m not) Referring to my child as a convict? (Yes she can be at times, but only I can call her that) Or was she possibly kidding? Now that’s not funny.
I stare at the door to the pre-school. I’m thinking ok there is a logical explanation to this. Maybe, just maybe the kids have tied the convict up, (ok I watch to many cop shows, that was way unrealistic) so all I can figure is the convict that the teacher is talking about is Dalaynee.

Now Remember I left Hemi in the car. So I think, ok I will go retrieve my child. Make my apologies for who knows what, as Dalaynee is a great kid. I open the door and hear Mayhem. I look around the room and see what? Yes you got it, it was Rooby. Rooby loves kids and she was having a blast with 24 of them. I look around the room and it looks like a rainbow gone bad. I look at the teacher and she looks like she is not having a good day, flash a smile and I waited for one in return, but no deal, I guess Rooby had reeked havoc.

Seems the classroom had papers down to do a project with paint for Easter and Rooby stepped in the paint and had doggie foot prints all over the kids clothes, the floor, a few tables, ect. So I grab Roo and make my apologies and with a smile still on my face make a quick exit. (She still didn’t return my smile, how rude was that?) Some people are just not very nice I think as I head to the car. Now mind you I had left Hemi in the car for what? Maybe ten minutes at the very most. OK can we all say Big Mistake?

My memory is not great, I have been declared brain dead by my children so nothing I do ever surprises them and I personally use Chemo Brain as an excuse, hey it’s been working so far.

Now imagine this is you will. Ninety pound rottie puppy in the back of my daughter
caviler. Now cavilers are small so Dumb ass takes up the whole back seat. While putting him in I had forgotten that I had placed a bag for the local thrift store filled with used toys that lani had outgrown.

One of the items was (and to my regret) a small bean bag filled with the micro beads made for children. Why this bean bag was not filled with the big Styrofoam, peanuts? No, that would have been way to easy, no it was filled with the tiny micro beads of Styrofoam, iddy biddy pieces. Now have you ever had any dealing with Styrofoam, micro beads?? Well please let me enlighten you. They love static. The more static the happier these little beads are and the stick to everything, I mean everything.

So as I approach the car I see nothing but white and I think what in the world? and then I see all this white stuff moving and with this site I can even begin to phantom what it would be. I open the car door and I am hit by a wave of white stuff that is going up my nose in my eyes and every nook and cranny that had static. Unbelievable, Holy Crap what more can go wrong with my day? (Your about to find out!) As I’m standing their pondering what my next move will be; Bam out comes Hemi bounding out of the car covered in white Styrofoam and having the best of times. He’s happy, (he’s an idiot, but he’s a happy idiot) He is the king of mayhem, of destructions, and he is proud. You can see it in on his face. Yes I did this I’m happy Go Hemi Go!

I say a few things that are not meant for others to hear and load Hemi back up and I get into the car. Yes the stuff is flying all over the car, I’m covered in it, It’s sticking to the window and now Rooby is covered in it. And you know what? I just don’t care. I have had it. I’m done, not one more thing dear God. I roll down the windows hoping that the Stuff will fly out the windows so I don’t have to spend hours with the shop vac cleaning up the mess that hemi left in Amberly’s car, and of course how was I going to explain the newest mishap?

I’m running out of excuses and the truth never seems far from an excuse. So I get on the highway with this stuff whirling around my face and flying out the window. I hear sirens behind me. OMG, I think this is not happening. But alas it is and of course only to me. And of course I must pull over. Miss; (wow he just made my day, I haven’t been called miss since the hogs ate my brother!) May I see your proof of insurance and drivers license, and you need to secure that dog. Wow all that in one breath? I quip. Well seems Mr. lacking of sense of humor doesn’t like my attitude, and in the back of my mind; at this point I really don’t care, please take me to jail where I can get some piece and quite I think! The dog is no threat to you officer! I calmly say.... I don’t care mame you need to secure the dog! Ok I can see the officer has not made his quota of tickets to day.

He is not in a very good mood (these are my favorite kind of victims, lol), no time for jokes. Now tell me why are cops always so cranky, why can’t the laugh and smile? Hummm as was told to me by my son; because they have to deal with People like you all day! (Now that was rude!) I place leash on Hemi and reassure the office that as long as he does not touch me or the car, Hemi is no threat. What is all this white stuff in your car? he demands. Well officer you wouldn't believe me if I told you! I answer. Try me! he snaps.

OK Officer now try to keep up with this. I was called to my granddaughters pre-school because of an escaped convict. I decided it would be in the schools best interest that I take the dog instead of the arsenal that I have in the gun safe, I was having trouble deciding between the assault rifle and the rocket launcher or the hand grenade, The officer looks at me with total amazement and snaps Are you kidding me? No sir this is the God awful truth!.. continue… he snaps. So I arrive at the school expecting your guys to be all over the school securing it and there was nobody. Securing it from what mame? The escaped convict! I say. What escaped convict? The one that was in my granddaughter’s class room! The officer stand their for a minute and takes off his hat rubs his head and says to me, So you decide not to take your arsenal and put the dog in the car and take him instead, is that right? Yep! And then you come to your
granddaughter’s classroom to help capture an escaped convict that in is your
granddaughter classroom? Exactly, I say. Excuse me mame for just one minute
please! So the officer goes back to his patrol car and apparently calls all his homeboys.

Well I’m sitting in the care with Styrofoam in my nose and I’m spitting it out of my
mouth. The officer comes back to the car and ask me Mame have you been drinking?….no officer I don’t drink! What about controlled substances? You mean
like this STRYFOAM THAT IS IN EVERY CREVICE KNOWN TO MANKIND ON
MY BODY? I yell. NO mame I’m referring to narcotics or weed? Ok now I getting
irritated I have one nerve left, and he is on it. I tell him the whole true story and he thinks I’m high? OMG, unbelievable. So the next thing I know up pulls some of his homeboys and all I could think is are you freaking kidding me?

So the officer asks me to get out of the car and he grabs the door handle (oooops big mistake) and Hemi goes into protection mode and starts growling…Secure the dog mame! The dog is secure officer he is on a leash and you touched his car after I told you not to! Would you please step out of the car mame? … Why not! I snap! Now what is this stuff that you are covered in? It’s Styrofoam! From what? he ask. I could see the homeboys kind of chuckling in the background finding all this very amusing. It’s from the bean bag in the car! What Bean bag Mame? Well it not their any longer! Then where is it? In the dog I say. Do you have any proof of that? OK this guy is sooo stuck on stupid, I have had it now! This cop is going down, I’m calling my posse and I’m taking him out.

You want proof? Come to my backyard at 7:00 am tomorrow morning and I promise you that you will have your proof, it may not be in it’s original context as it has to go through the dogs SYSTEM FIRST! I snap. Calm down mame we just need to get to the truth! What Truth? I ask …the truth about the escaped convict! What escaped
convict? I ask, the one that you were going to get the arsenal for. But I didn’t get the
arsenal.... yes I know that mame, you got the dog instead!... Yep, glad your following
along, I don’t want to have to explain this twice so just try to keep up ok? Yes mame!
Ok mame let’s try to focus? focus on what? I quip… the story mame! (Boy am I having fun yanking his chain) what you’re saying is the preschool that your granddaughter is going to has an escaped convict in her classroom?. Yes she did, I answer. So where did this escape convict come from ….My house! So the escape convict came from your house? the officer is now rubbing his forehead in total confusion …Yes… So mame how did the escape convict get in your house?...I let her in, You let in the escape convict? Yes! Then how did it get to the school? he ask. She took the bus! You mean your granddaughter took the bus right? Yes and so did the escape convict. There was moment of silence. The officers were rubbing their heads and trying to figure out this whole convict thing when I knew exactly what I was talking about.

Officer Can I ask a question please?’ yes mame. Why did you pull me over? I ask
Because your vision was impaired by all this white stuff.. Ok then, Look all I want to
do is go home and get this car cleaned out before my daughter gets home from work. It was at this time that I saw the White SVU pull up and it was the canine unit from the sheriff dept that we are doing training with for Hemi. It was Ron I sight for sore eyes to say the least.

I couldn’t have been happier then to see Ron. Not only did Hemi get trained with him but He knows that regardless I had credibility and wasn’t a nut case. (yeah I know, that is to be determined) Well the officer that pulled me over was more then happy to make me into a nut case. I hear Ron laughing his head off and I had a feeling it was in my expense.

He knows me and he also knows what can happen to me will So nothing surprises him any longer when it comes to me and my dogs. Ron walks back over to the car and says Ok Sherry who is the convict? as he snickers. Its Rooby Ron, I was trying to explain this to your fellow officer and he just would not listen….. I see, he says. Well let me take it from here and you can leave try to clean off your windows enough so you can get home. I will explain everything to the other officers. (yeah I thought and would the laughing stock of the sheriff dept) Oh well at least I get out of here without a ticket I guess I should be thankful for that. So I get back into my car and as I do I turn around to the sheriff who pulled me over and Said to him….. Next time you pull me over remember I know people!...Yes mame and many more will know you!.... hummm wonder what that meant?

Oh well, just glad I could get the hell out of there with my dignity intact.

Why Can't I just do Normal?

Things have been relatively quite....

Oct 3, 2006

Things at my house have been relatively quiet; Now that is a fear in itself, I must admit. I have never done normal, never have, and probably never will.

It’s just my life, and I have grown accustom to it. Now we all know that Tux my 3lb Pomeranian tends to keep everything going, and I must admit that he has been quite good the last couple of months, but through all of my analyzing I have realized that Tux gets on his rolls when he thinks he has someone to impress. I’m thinking he has been so good because there has been no new 4 legged critters to impress; UNTIL NOW! Yep you got it, we now have Tanner. Tanner is a standard poodle puppy of 11 months. Tanner is a rescue has lived his whole short life in a garage in a cage not knowing sun light or grass, so he came to me with many issues. Tuxy loves Tanner, now how sweet is that?

Tux has been around for 4 years and I'm never surprised anymore of the accomplishment that Tuxy in his small 3lb body can do in his effort in obtaining world domination. Just think countries have fallen with larger leaders then Tux, yep you got it; my sanity has ended, Tux is always looking for new recruits; and has now recruited Tanner. OMG! Tanner is around 60 lbs and Tuxy is 3 lbs.. Tanner is ripe for the learning and Tux is a pro. There is no other species like Tux, (can we all say a huge Amen to that one?) And I know beyond a shadow of a doubt you all give a big thanks to your maker that you do not have a Pomeranian like Tux, and believe me there have been many a day I wish he was somebody’s else’s dog and I can’t sit back and laugh at the other poor owner instead of constantly cleaning up the Tuxster Mayhem.

Tanner very shy and quiet and has a few issues we are trying to deal with. So we try really hard not to upset him at anytime. It’s like 2 steps forward and 30 steps back with Tanner, “BUT” will not put up with anyone being shy in my house. Tux‘s goal is that everyone should act just like him! So now let’s think about This, A 60 lb Tuxy??? Not in my lifetime I tell you! And I know Tuxy well enough that he would have given Hitler a run for his money! Yesterday I had a long day. I was more then tired, I had groomed all day, washed off the deck, (and then it rains), did some yard work, tried to clean Lani’s my granddaughter room..(She undone it in 5 minutes.) And of course Tuxy is helping and Tanner just watches and learns!

So with all this being said; I had a really long day and I’m tired and sore, so it’s somewhat Late. Baby puppies are in bed and perfect time for me to soak in the bath. All chores done, dishes done, Well you get the idea. So I start to run my bath and I hear a bunch of commotion downstairs so I go down to look to see what is going on; nothing to bad. Tanner and Tux running laps through the house. This is normal, but just a little new with Tanner not being used to hardwood floors. And this made him slide around most corners. OK, no problem they are not hurting anything. Tanner is playing, this is a good thing; means he is settling in just a wee bit more. Now tell me, do you think dogs can talk to each other without saying a word?Well just in case you have ever wondered.... THEY CAN! Now I know that Tuxy cannot counter surf….BUT .... Tanner can!

I go upstairs forgetting the roasted chicken I had left out on the counter to cool So I could de-bone it. I get into the bath and leave my door open so I can listen to the dogs. I can hear them barking, all of them. And believe me there is a lot of barking. I learned their barking, and this was a play bark. I’m not worried. Bree is sitting on her bed doing her homework. I hear her scream, “MOM! Tanner is running through the house with a chicken hanging from his mouth!” “WHAT?” I ask; Oh shoot I think, and no sooner does that thought passes and I’m ready to get out and see if I can save the chicken, then “BOOM” and then it hits..what is IT you ask IT is the equivalent of a 9.5 earthquake IT is Tuxy and Tanner! I now have Tanner in the bath with me with my dinner chicken in his mouth So I can’t even get out of the tub because I have this dog sitting on my lap with a chicken in his mouth.

OK I sit back down thinking how can I get this dog off my lap and save this chicken then “BOOM” here comes Tux with a chicken wing in his mouth into the tub with Tanner. So now I have 2 dogs taking a bath with me and my big butt trying to figure out how am I going to get out of this tub with 6 poms barking at the 2 dogs sitting in the tub with their human. Now any kind hearted person would say, OK look at those little poms all barking at the big bruiser sitting on my lap and Tuxy swimming with a chicken wing in his mouth trying to figure as to where he could put the darn thing in water. then their were Poms barking because they want to help their mommy? ha! that would be a big hell no!!

They could care less about me, they are more interested in the chicken then they are me, even if it has bubbles all over it! I have an idea, (yes I know, you see the brain cells frying) I grab a towel, wrap it around and scream for Bree. She comes running into the bathroom, She sees me; and is dying laughing .(darn kid, no respect I tell you). So she gives me her hand and says “ let me help you out!” with tears running down her eyes cause she’s laughing so hard. I take her hand and try to pull myself up; But Bree is probably 100lbs soaking wet, and me well, I have always been horizontally challenged.... and poor Bree did not have a chance in hell!! Yep you got it, she fell in the tub, on me, on the dogs.

Dave hears all the commotion as my tub is right over the garage. And I’m sure he must have thought the roof was caving in. He comes running up the stairs yelling “What the Hell is going on?” And then he sees me and Bree, Tanner, and Tuxy all in the bath tub and all the poms standing there waiting for Tanner to drop the chicken.

Do you think he cares, “NO” he’s to busy laughing at us. Dave’s very logical. It’s so simple to him as to how to get out of this dilemma; first he takes Tuxy out, (chicken
wing still in his mouth) and then he pulls Tanner out, yep you got it, with what is left of the chicken hanging from his mouth, and again, the race begins. Tanners feet no sooner hit the carpet then he’s off, yep, then Tuxy and the rest of the poms racing through the house soaking wet on Hardwood floors. It was ugly, real ugly! Dave helps Bree out of the tub and then me and takes off to see if he can save the chicken. Bree gets dressed as do I while picking pieces of chicken off me. From this moment on, I think I’ll stick to showers.

I run downstairs to see what the house looks like.. “OMG this can’t be happening!" I just bought a 25 lb bag of flour to get ready for fall baking and seems during all the running around the house they ripped a hole in the bag.

Now try to picture this, Poms, with Tuxy in the lead, running through the house and
hitting the flour each time they passed through the kitchen (which would be about 3000 laps before they hit the tub) and then let’s not forget Tanner has now become the poms best friends.

He still has the majority of the chicken in his mouth, yep you got it, he decided to lay
right down in the middle of the flour mess with his chicken and of course being soaking wet. Now have you ever mixed water with flour? and I just spent hours on their baths today all of them and Tanner took me 4 hours alone? Yeah big, no not big, huge mess! So I gather up the poms, put them in their x-pens and put Tanner outside. and Tux? I put Tux him in time out in his pen without his chicken wing.

He can get out of the x-pen and I’m thinking that there is not a cage that will hold him, but if he knows what’s good for him he will stay in that cage until hell freezes over!

So today I am on my hands and knees cleaning up flour and water mixture that has hardened overnight, then I have to give all the poms baths again and try to get this mess out of their coats, and let’s not forget Tanner. Can we say dreadlocks in his coat. Now this one is not going to be easy but after all I have all day right?

So tell me what is the pom mom to do? And oh yes, I am so sore I can hardly move. I’m too old for this stuff! I so need a hug! And that was my day and why can't I just do Normal??

Jack-Jack and Rooby

I have always been crazy about dogs and I have had as many as ten when I was raising and showing Pomeranian's.

I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2006 and I had to place many of fur babies into forever homes.

With this being said, and after many lonely days, I had decided to look for a puppy to lift my spirits. I know nothing comes free in life so my search was more of a dream, just hoping and praying and watching the newspaper and Internet for just the right fur baby to come my way. I had a huge hole in my heart that just needed to be filled.

It was a very cold day here in Utah and I was feeling kind of down in the dumps. As I was sitting at my computer playing yet another free sixty minute online game, my eldest daughter walks in from work with two baby dachshunds puppies that need A temporary home, and my heart was captured and the whole would be filled at least temporarily.

Mom can we foster these two babies? We have an outbreak of Parvo at the clinic and need to keep the babies away from the clinic for about two weeks. Well of course, I said, and as of that moment it was set in stone, I had my babies to warm my heart, even if only temporarily.

Now I know a little about Doxies. They are smart, very smart and they are in a league of their own. Doxies are born with attitude and they will die with attitude. You can’t control a Doxie unless they allow it, even as tiny babies and times that by two? Needless to say you must be a brave soul to handle tow Doxie puppies.

Now Doxies are tenacious and very clever, they can out smart the most intelligent of humans! and this was going to be a What was I thinking moment.

Ciara offered to care for the little boy whom was promptly names Jack-Jack after a impetuous cartoon character from the movie The Incredibles (and that baby was a demon) and so from that moment on the Little boy was christened Jack-Jack! Dalaynee wanted to Christensen the little girl Rooby after a past pet that she adored; therefore the little girl was christened Rooby!

Now here I am with two Doxie puppies, one Rottie puppy that I and Scott are training for the Sheriff dept.I also had little Miss Princess Pooh Pooh Bear, aka Autumn. Let me tell you about little about Autumn. She is a social snob, She is much better then anyone in the universe and she is tough and she knows it. Other dogs don’t argue with Autumn, they just know to keep their distance or their will be hell to pay. She is a mere five pounds of ferocious Pomeranian. She can take anything down no matter what the size is in 2.5 seconds and she holds this title proudly.

Now in Autumn defense, she is 9 yrs old and has earned to right for some piece and quite in her life, as have I, so why I took on two Doxie puppies spawned from the seed of Satan, I am not sure, but I did. It’s not like I don’t have enough on my plate with my health, but my theory is If you don’t think about being sick, you won’t be sick! Yeah I pulled that right out of a box of cracker jacks!

I really need to tell you how these puppies came to be. Amberly is a vet tech, and with that job comes with many heart wrenching stories. Well seems a women brought in a delivering Doxie Mom, the women thought the Doxie was delivering a pup when in reality she was delivering the Doxie's uterus so the women brings the dog in to the vet, and then decided that she will not pay for a delivery and spay and signed the sick mom over to the vets.

The mama died after delivering one little boy (Jack-Jack) the vets did all they could to say mama but to no avail. The techs bottle feed Jack and he did well. The Vet’s office reported this lady to the ASPCA and found a puppy mill situation. The dogs were all brought to Amberly's office, where they were all brought up to health and shots.

They were able to find several litters and adults forever homes, all except 2 little babies, Rooby & Jack-Jack, so with all this being said, now I’m fostering 2 babies that are filling that hole in my heart!!

Now I must admit I did not think the mayhem would start as early as these babies are young, but so was Tux, and I quickly got rid of that thought!! So this is how I'm seeing it come into play; Rooby is a tiny snip of a pup that is as smart as they come and believe me she is in control of her dominion! Then you take Jack-Jack, not so smart; but is full of piss and vinegar!

This is how it's going to go down, Rooby is the mastermind Jack -Jack is the perpetrator! They are both full of Piss and vinegar and always looking for trouble. They have been here 3 days and already have the Rottie (named Hemi) backed into a corner fearing for his upper lip. Hemi is a puppy; only 5 mos old 24 inches at the shoulders and weights 65lbs and chalked full of STUPID! Hemi is the victim of 2 little 3lb Doxie.

Now Rottie puppies are a clumsy as they come, they are all feet, of little brain, and for the most part; a rock can outsmart a Rottie puppy. They are not Brightest crayon in the box! But in defense of poor Hemi he is a lovable goof and we have faith that he will grow some brains in the future!

Try if you can to picture this in your mind. Autumn, Hemi, Rooby and Jack-Jack, 3 cats, 2 babies, two 4 yr old and one 10 yr old, all under the same roof. Perfect picture for insanity. OK now Rooby sleeps with me, yeah I know bad move, especially when I need to find her a new home in a few weeks. Now y'all know it does not take much for my life to be insane, but hey in my defense, I think I do insane much better then most.

Good Heavens, we know the Good lord has tested this one with me! So here I am, the puppies have done their potty duty outside, as has Hemi and Autumn. Everyone is chomping at the bit for their morning meal, no biggie right? I should be able to pull that off right? So I get Hemi his food, he is fed. Then I fix autumn her food, all is good, and then the puppies. OK, can you see where this is going?

Should I of fed the puppies first? You betcha! You can only tell I have not have puppies in a very long time, So Autumn is fed in the Laundry room, I feed her there because I can shut the door so she can eat in peace, but the real reason is this; she would take anything that came near her food down, she would maim them, and she would bury them in a box in the backyard so their would not be any evidence of her dastardly deed or the idiot that tried to eat her food!

Hemi get Dry Puppy food, and the puppies get dry mixed with soft, Ha!!! I know you can see where the problems will start with this one. Hemi in the past has been food aggressive so we have had a lot of work to with him on this problem. So keep this in mind, I have to watch him closely because the other dogs.

Now I have not had an incident with Hemi in over 2 months, so I think he got the idea that food aggression is not acceptable under any circumstance and that battle has been won by the humans! BUT when you have 2 very naughty puppies that think any other food is better then theirs, can bring out the beast in even the most docile animal. So with the puppies discovering that they are in control; the monarchy has started. They shall rule, And with an iron paw! And poor Hemi, he is the victim, poor baby.

So I will set up the picture for you; Autumn in the laundry room out of harms way; Puppies at one end of the kitchen; Hemi at the other; Hemi smells something really good at the wrong side of the kitchen, and this is not good! I feed the puppies on a paper plate; less dishes for me.

Then it happen, I see the Rottie nose is in the air, he is homing in on something that smells much better then what he has, his nose is no longer in his dish. Now the puppies thinking they have and gone to heaven, awww such wonderful food, and now Hemi knows he had been slighted, runs to the other side of the kitchen before I could intercept him. Puppies hold onto their domain; nipping Hemi on the nose, he stands back and stares at puppies, Must get a new game plan, thinks Hemi and need to do it fast before the steak and lobster is gone, (not really steak and lobster, but Hemi doesn't know that) stands for a split second and stares, OK Hemi is thinking, 65lb of Rottie; 3lbs of Doxie, Piece of Cake! can we say Wrong!

So this is how it goes down in 2.5 seconds of mayhem; Puppies see Hemi coming for the food; Jack grabs the paper plate; runs between Hemi's legs and at the same time Hemi tries to run through Hemi's legs, you would of have to of seen it, if you could tied a Rottie in a knot that would have been Hemi. Even a boy scout could not do as well tying a knot. Rooby is missing the food, so she goes at the biggest thing within nipping distant (even though the poor Rottie does not have the plate) and she is dog with a mission; she not sure what the mission is, but she is on one.

Jack is in the family room, Hemi finds him, tries to stomp on the plate slips on the tile floor and face plants it,Roo sees this as an opportunity to nip his muzzle (Just in case he had any big ideas, she was setting it straight; she is Boss!) So while all this going down the cat runs through the house and Hemi who has been stricken with ADD tries to chase the cat (I think he forgot what his other mission was) this scares the cat; the cat hits the water dish; the water dish is one of the gallon dishes that refills? Yeah, well the cat knocks a gallon of water on the floor; Hemi hit his dog food dish dry food flies through the air and the cat is not even hitting the ground; he is leaping from couch to couch.

Now the puppies think that this looks like fun, so they join in; so picture this cat running anywhere to get away from Hemi; Hemi running anywhere trying to get away from the puppies and eat the cat; puppies hit the water slide into first base hitting the kitchen cupboards; they get up trying to get traction on the wet tile when the cat flies by and following is the Rottie not even sure what he was doing now, but it sure was fun! I yell for Scott (Hemi's other human owner) and tell him that I need help pronto. He comes upstairs and sees the house that would now qualify for financials aid and declared a disaster area. "What the hell happened?" he asked as a matter of fact your dog happened! There is no way my dog could have done this! As a matter of fact he did do this! I snapped, In fact your half of the dog did this, you know the ass end? and at this time I handed Scott the broom and mop, Start Cleaning!

Now Scott knew that I attracted dogs from the gates of hell, I do not look for them, but they found me anyway and my Tux was the gate keeper. He was one of a kind (thank you God) and even though I told Scott in the very beginning that no matter how much you pay for a dog, or get one from the shelter just being near me will cause a disaster of biblical proportions. I told him.

Darn kids never listen but in Scott’s defense unless you lived it you would have no concept of what kind of dogs I tend to attract why? I will never know, but they tend to find me! So as I tell Scott to Start Cleaning! I scoop up my babies and get a towel dry them off as I walk through the kitchen saying loud enough for Scott to hear me, Did that big bad mean Rottie scare my poor little innocent babies?

And that was my day how was yours?

What not to do with a Rottie Puppy.......

What not to do with a Rottweiler puppy.......

Hemi is high energy; me on the other hand? I'm low energy, in fact this week very low energy. Just want to vegetate and get over this nasty stuff that I have had for 7 days to long.

Hemi must be trained every day no less then 6 days a week. So me in my infinite wisdom decided I would cheat on his training, Yep, kind of break the rules to suite me. So I have this treadmill; I have a brain storm and yes everyone could smell something burning, it was my brain on overload.

I had decided to put Hemi on it a few times a day and then it would keep him in training right? Now I know they use treadmills for dogs all the time, one would think it would be very simple Right? You put the dog on it and they walk or run, whatever the case may be, it’s not rocket science, simple one would think right?

YEAH RIGHT! I was thinking all I had to do was put his 80lb body on it, turn it on and Wa La! Instant dog exerciser! Ha! I couldn't have been more wrong! Now the first thing that I forgot to check was the speed setting. (Hey in my defense I was running a fever of one hundred ninety, I was delirious with fever).

Now you can go mock ninety on these contraptions, or you go as low as would like. Yes that is right, my daughter was jogging on it the night before!

Now Hemi does not do treadmill or at least he had no concept of a treadmill; he had never been on one or seen one before! And all I thought I would have to was to put him on it, tell him to stay, turn it on for 30 minutes at two miles per hour and hey, instant exercised dog! Not happening; not any way; not at any time!

Have you ever seen a rottie fly? They can you know! So here I am, feeling like I'm going to cough up a lung and I know I’m on deaths door it was only a matter of time, and my need to care for my doggies was far more important then my impending death!!

So let me set this up for you; just humor me, please? I have this dog on the treadmill he has never been on a treadmill before and I decide it time to take some of the load off me with this brain dead dog that has no concept of what stay, sit or anything else for that matter means. Scott (my eldest son) is outside in the garage, Amberly (My eldest daughter) is in her room.

So I place Hemi on the treadmill and he sits and stares at me like I just had a cup of stupid. I tell him to stay and support his back end so he is standing; I stand back and observe my rocket science moment and with great pride.

I think Ok I’m brilliant; the dog’s trainers will now be coming to me for advice. Who knows maybe I can have my own TV show and make millions with my ingenious self, I take great pride in patting myself on the back for this beyond clever moment in my life.

I take one last look at my accomplishment and am so proud of myself, and with one last pat on my back, I push the start button. Ok now let’s think about this, I am delirious with fever (hey that’s the best I could come up with in my defense) and obviously this was not well thought out or I would not have a story to tell you.

So I push the start button Hemi comes flying off the treadmill, the speed was set at ten miles an hour really fast for something that has no concept of what in the world he was suppose to be doing in the first place. Now Hemi comes flying off the treadmill, he was launched up the stairs, he rolls back down the stairs, tries to right himself hits the banister and gets up and falls into the end table off the sofa where there is a lamp, (Not any more) and my hot tea and my bagel and my mail, (again I say; not any longer) so down runs Amberly, In runs Scott wondering what the hell just happened.

I take my time explain the logistic of my idea to help me train Hemi to the treadmill, No hour walk, I say. Hemi treadmill, so simple! it was working so well in my mind, I said to them, and Hemi just would not cooperate, dumb dog! NOT EVEN ON YOUR BEST DAY! Says Scott, Scott looks at Amberly, Amberly looks at me, both are shaking their heads and both at the very same moment say in exasperation CHEMO BRAIN! (Yeah, that is my excuse for everything now). So now we have a seven month old 80lb rottie that is terrified of the treadmill.

Now in my defense I really did not think it was rocket science, but I guess I must really be suffering from chemo brain, and of course that fever from hell, because I really thought all I had to do was tell him to stay and walk Just that simple!

So now when I get feeling better I must introduce the treadmill in positive manner to Hemi. I think I may have put months of work on me, trying to takes months of work off me. When all I wanted to do was to not have to train him until I felt better. Was that asking too much?

And that was day and how was yours?

Dogs Are Amazing

Dogs are Amazing!

Dogs are amazing, aren’t they? They can find the most fun is the simplicity of life; for Instance; take the common tug a war dog rope, simple little device that can amuse the simplest of brains, take mine for example, I am easily amused.

Now I am content at letting my doggies play and just sit back and watch them. Hey most people should be that easily amused. So today I had been working at trying to get things organized in my room. I decided to come take a small break to just sit down.

Now Hemi the rottie is in the house and he just ran two miles on the treadmill. Amberly elected to train him on it after the last mishap and he is doing well. Hemi is very food motivated so it is amazing how a treat can teach a dog.

So with all this being said Hemi is finished doing the treadmill. I had found his tug rope that was downstairs and I brought it up to him. Now picture this, 90lb Rottie puppy, happy, very, very, happy. Now mind you I like my dogs to be happy, we all want to be happy right? But how many humans have you seen that take happy to the level a puppy can take it? Not too many, right?

So Hemi’s rope had a tennis ball braided into the end of it. Most people would think how cute, rottie puppy playing with a rope with a tennis ball on the end of it, Kodak moment, I’m sure your thinking, Ahhhhhh adorable puppy, family sitting around finding happiness in the mere existence of their doggies, mom with a huge box over her foot to protect her broken toe from the big lug who has no meaning of the word graceful.

Yes I’m thinking Norman Rockwell is looking for the very picture to sell millions of paintings with. Well you could not have been more wrong! I just don’t do Norman Rockwell not now not ever, that is not how my life rolls. I ask myself why not?

Why am I not deserving of this picture perfect moment when all dogs are in complete harmony with each other, the stars and the planets are aligned and the universe has never been happier right??.. “Because it’s me that’s why, ME! ME! ME! and when have I ever been lucky enough to have dogs that would not be put in Guinness Book of World Records for most bizarre behavior? Because why? Because it’s me, that’s why!

Now I’m old, not dirt old, I can still move around, and with the grace of God still breathing..(You know that is one of those things I’m happy for, breathing has become a way of life for me) it may take me a little longer to get where I want to be, but hey I am blessed regardless, I’m still alive to share my stories.

So here I am in this beautiful Norman Rockwell setting, dogs playing with each other and me not thinking anything other then peaceful bliss.

So then the story begins. Now let me set this up for you. Hemi has just run 2 miles on the treadmill, and then he ran up and down the stairs for 15 minutes chasing his ball. Rooby then walks on the side edge of the treadmill hoping not to get thrown across the room, as one mere missed calculations of her footing could cause her to be a lethal projectile and all this in the name of a dog treat crumb. The lengths that my dogs will go To for food!

Now I’m sitting on the sofa, my foot in a box so that I will not go to the Dr with the same toe broken for the forth time, as if three times is not embarrassing enough. Autumn is laying on her “Thrown,” actually it’s just a bed but you can’t tell Miss Princess Pooh Pooh bear that. Rooby is on the back of the sofa watching every move that everyone else is making watching and waiting for the perfect opportunity to conquer whatever it is that she needs to conquer. That’s a doxie for you, Ten Foot Tall and Bullet proof! now here is the problem, Rooby thinks she is Ten foot tall and bullet proof, and Hemi? He is Ten foot tall and bullet proof and little Autumn all five pounds of her attitude that is bigger then life.

So here we have one dog that is, one dog that thinks it is, and one dog that is the ultimate of the ten Foot tall and covered in bubble wrap and you know what?? She is! She is a Bitch! and not a very nice one, Autumn can take a 90 lb rottie down in 2.5 seconds and never look back or feel remorse.

So Hemi grabs his rope and decides that it is so much fun to swing, have you ever been hit by a tennis ball being flung by a 90lb rottie?? Believe me it hurts and it hurts bad. It actually can leave bruises on me. Now I’m not a big baby, hey I’m tough (wonder where my dogs get the attitude?) But geezzz no one deserve that kind of abuse.

Now Rooby thinks, Wow this looks fun, can I play? and Hemi is more then compliant. Sure why not? He thinks maybe just maybe I can have that little pain in the butt on the end of this rope and play Snap the whip, now I’m not cruel to my animals, never ever, but I do find some things that they do very amusing like a doxie at the end of a rope with a rottie at the other end.

Picture this if you will; Rottie 120lbs, doxie 6lbs. odds aren’t looking real good for the doxie, but hey I play along just for the amusement of it all I was bored, what can I say? I’m easily amused!

Hemi, that adorable puppy, is having so much fun tossing his rope into the air catching it shaking his head with the ball in his mouth, cute huh? Now let me take to another form of cute. Hemi tossing his ball in the air letting it land wherever it may land, knocking over lamps, spilling drinks and shaking that darn thing so hard it could take out your kneecaps.

Now that is Reality! well at least for me. So I rub my kneecaps hoping the pain will dissipate with in a reasonable amount of time and thank God for allowing my toe not to become the target. Many thanks to all my friends that suggested the box. Yeah Right! That is unless you have a rottie thinking the box is his chair and crushes it on your foot, Great idea, NOT!

I could not get away from that box soon enough. The box idea was great, that is if I didn’t have 90lbs sitting on it and crushing on the only toe that has been hurt and the funny side to this? I have nine other toes, but no, not these toes, only the one that has been broken 3 times in the last 3 weeks.

Now to all of these people who have said to me, They don’t cast broken toes, they only secure them” I would like to disagree with that. Now all that know me know that they do not make a cast strong enough for me or the special boot or the special shoe. I could re-break my toe in a padded room, that is just how I am and I am beyond excuses for me! I think it would be considered beyond comprehension. I say that with just a hint of truth! Ok you got me on a whole lot of truth, there I said it!

So back to Hemi, My sofa has tons of pillows, I put my foot on the couch and pile it with pillows, (why didn’t I think of that in the first place?) Oh well, live and learn! Now Rooby sees all the fun that Hemi is having and decides to join in. So I think ahh how cute, big dog playing with little dog and a tug rope, doesn’t that just sound so cute? Sure maybe back in that Norman Rockwell picture, but now? Not in my life, not now, not ever!

Ok I’m not the brightest crayon in the box, many, many, times in my life, the wheels were turning and the hamster was dead, but in my defense I did IT with grace and dignity, what ever IT was.

Rooby decides that Hemi is having way too much fun by himself, in her little brain fun is not meant for anything but her. Ok that sounds like typical female logic, I can go with that, after all I am female and I do remember putting that in my hand book of women’s rules. Hey, Works for me!

So Miss Rooby leaps from the sofa and grabs the end of the tug rope, for just a moment their was nothing but silence, stillness in the air, nothing moving, not even a speck of dust, Hemi stands their pondering what is has just taken place, looking at Roo, looking at me, Looking at Amberly then back to Rooby. So here is this Dog, obviously perplexed by what is taking place. So I try to understand what he is thinking.

I watch him looking at me, hoping for just a glimpse of understanding as to what was about to take place. Then it happens, Roo jerks the rope and that was all Hemi needed to make the decision that it was on! Have you every seen a doxie hang on for dear life and growl at the same time?

She was not about to let go no matter how hard he shook that rope., No how, no way. So Hemi stops, he has made the choice to reanalyze the situations. Hummmmm Something is on the end my rope, and I know better then to hurt her, so now what do I do? Perplexing, isn’t it? Now we know this is not rocket science, at least not for you and me, but for a 9 month old rottie puppy? Probably!

So the first thing Hemi does is place his paw on the rope just between their mouths and holds it down, pretty smart I think, that is unless you a much smarter doxie puppy. Roo holds her ground refusing to let go of the rope growling the whole time, Hemi growls, (now that’s a growl!) Rooby’s not the least bit intimidated knowing that at any given moment the stupid will kick in and he will have to let go. Ahhh but that is not going to happen, Hemi has been cowering down to two little fur balls that have nip at his lip one to many times, they should not be in charge any longer.

Now I Know Hemi would never hurt Autumn or Roo intentionally, but in reality all he has to do is step on them and it could hurt them. I watch with much caution and amusement. The paw was not working; she would not waver, so he has to rethink his game plan.

Now what if I were just to shake this rope ever so slightly? Hummmm wonder what could happen. If the plan goes well she will go flying across the room and I will have the rope all to myself again, yep, I win! I am male I must win. Typical male logic! Hemi shakes his head and Rooby is still attached to that rope, Hemi puts his paw on Roo and trying to pull the rope out of her mouth.

She never falters, she hangs on, daring him to let go, the battle continues as Hemi runs through the house and Rooby is still attached. Hemi walks back in the family room rope in mouth, Rooby still attached, neither one is willing to give in, (have to love the German lines) stubborn to the end. The both were refusing to give up. Hemi stops for just a moment staring at me with the look of stupid on his face.

You could tell he was begging me to get this little dog off the rope; if nothing else to save his dignity. He stands there pleading with his eyes, and I’m thinking no way, no how am I going to let that big thing win, Rooby is one-tenth his size and she is not giving up. Why should I de-thrown her? So hemi lays down, rope still in mouth, Rooby attached firmly to the other side. Hemi rolls over to side hoping, just hoping, it will make her let go. Not happening. It’s a stand off!

Hemi is tired, dog tired, he just ran two miles on the treadmill, took about 30 jaunts up and down stairs, and he is ready for a nap, a long deserved nap, but Rooby is having no part of it. Rooby decided that the stand off must end. Now I know that Hemi would not of put up to much of a fight, so in his defense, this huge big lug of a puppy that deserves the title, I will come to his defense. He takes to rope firmly in his mouth refusing to let go, Rooby on the other end refusing to let go.

So here is how it should have ended. Hemi does one last shake of the rope and Rooby loses her grip, and the king still reigns and is victorious. Now here is how it really ended. Hemi is on his side panting, he is tired and rightfully so. He deserves a nice long nap with rope by his side right.

After all I would want a nap after running two miles and running up and down the stairs at least thirty times right? Oh how I wish for his sake it happened that way (and mine to). So picture this is you will, Hemi looking like he is going into cardiac arrest, (wait, or is that me?) And me feeling sorry for the lug, I tell Rooby to let go, (yeah, like that is going to happen) and she just stares at me, Like I’m the one who had a full bowl of stupid for breakfast. Ok I see this is not going to work, so I get up from the sofa, kick the box out of my way, ( yes, the same box this is now flattened, that was suppose to protect my foot?)

I was really hoping that the box would intimidate her, not happening! So I pick up Rooby and she is still attached to the rope. I try to pry the rope from her mouth, (no easy task mind you) and I tell her to release. Ok now, not at anytime in Rooby’s short little 5 moths of life has she ever been asked to release anything, she looks at me like the lights just went out in the tower and their was no more service. (that is probably not far from the truth).

Rooby has never heard the word release in her life, that word belongs to Hemi in his Police training, So Please tell me, what was I thinking? Because I and the dogs are both confused now. Hemi jumps expecting to respond to the word release and he looks at me like HUH? Release what? Ok now I have just undone 3 months of police training and terrified the dog with the treadmill, (Amberly fixed that one) and I have managed to do all this in just one short month. Wow that must be some kind of record.

Trainers rule #1; never confuse the dog with mixed commands. Yeah, well walk a mile in my shoes, what do they know anyway? They have only been training dogs for over forty years, and they think they know it all? I think not! So here is the new revised police training manual according to Sherry, Keep Sherry away for all training dogs! Ha! Like that is going to happen!

So time to rethink and re-group. Rooby refuse to give up the rope. She has those puppy teeth clamped tight, she not going down without a battle and I now must win. (I have a competitive side) I will not be shamed by anything that weighs six pounds. I ask Amberlyto please hold her as I try to open her mouth, now mind you this is no longer about the stupid rope, this is about whom is in control and it must be me I tell you.

Amberly grabs Rooby by the ruff of the neck, and holds her head, I on the other hand have the back end, Hummmmm now how is this going to work? I say Trade Me Ends I tell Amberly. So I take my fingers and try to wedge my finger in her mouth, but the doxie has a severe case of lockjaw and she is not going down without a fight. Must find new approach, I think, Ahh Haa You will never outsmart me Rooby, I am the Queen, I am the one and only, I am the boss of all bosses I will hold onto my kingdom and I will not falter, and all I had to do was think of FOOD! That dog will do anything for food and I could wave my flag in victory as I knew at the very moment, I had won!

Do you know what happens when you get to sure of yourself? Yeah, kind of like that! I again have been humbled by this doxie. Man, she good, she is really good! I could learn a lot from this dog. I have two thoughts about this whole ordeal, either my brain cells are committing suicide at a faster rate then I thought, or this dog is the reincarnations of someone else that gave me just as many problem as she does.

I go to the fridge and grab a hot dog (not fit for human consumptions) but dogs love them. I come back into the family room with the hot dog and show it to Rooby. (Ha! got now you now, you little demon). She stares at the hot dog, and then she looks at me, then back to the hotdog, back to me. Now she has some serious soul searching to do, and I snicker. I will be victorious I say and I will win, and you will lose my little pretty.

So here I am with this disgusting thing in my hand, and I sit down holding it, waiting, praying, believing that the plan will work and she will get the hotdog and I will get the rope. Now tell me, don’t you think that is a great plan? OK now I forgot to add in the possibilities. I forgot about the Rottie whom is equally food motivated. I forgot about my toe, that was only a foot away from the Rottie, I forgot that even sleeping dogs can smell hotdogs.

Not having taking all this into considerations would be the end of my reign. I did not have back up, I did not have all escapes covered, I did not see the possible outcome, but most of all the embarrassment of this whole ordeal would leave me with the curtains tightly drawn from that moment on.

The children would no longer be allowed out in daylight hours, and they would be home schooled from this moment on. The adults could only garden at midnight and we will carry our heads in shame for whatever length we stay here in our home. I really did not see that coming! And all this why you ask? Because I was not willing to give up that rope. That rope was power to me, that rope gave me purpose, that rope meant that I was as good as I once was, that rope would be framed and hung on the wall in victory, right next to the first Dollar bill from the first sale of my book Grandpa’s Pockets!

Oh the pride I would have when I gazed upon that rope. I honestly think I would tear up, knowing I was victorious, knowing I would be the best forever and ever. So now back to reality. The hot dog, a simple little pleasure for some in life. Not me, but maybe you. I must respect the hotdog, it did hold power unknown to mankind and more power then I could give a nuclear power plant in my household! Please let me set the stage for you, Hemi on floor, Rooby on the back of the sofa with rope in mouth, Me sitting on the sofa wagging the stupid hotdog in front of Rooby’s nose. She is still not wavering, but I see just a hint of something in her itty biddy brown eyes, I pray it is what I think it is, I pray that she going to give up the rope and grab the hotdog. I see her stare at Hemi; Do you think dogs have mental telepathy? I know longer think it, I now know it!!!! These two, count them two, dogs are plotting my demise. I feel it, I smell it, I know it’s coming, but my questions is How? How is this all going to take place I ask? I have a feeling this is going to keep me up for many nights pondering this question.

Well let me tell you how this it is all going to happen and God help me. Hemi is huge and a lot of dog to handle, he steps on you, you know it, he steps on my toe, and I say words that have not been invented yet. He knows he has this power over me, he stuck on stupid, but in reality he is very smart, just puppy dumb! Rooby on the other hand is very smart, always has been, she thinks, plans then executes, and puts the wheel in motion! She good, she very good!

Now there is never a good time for a sales person coming to my door, but what I find more amusing is when a sales person comes to my door telling me he can clean all my outside windows for X amount of money, and you know what is even funnier?? it’s raining!! I found that very funny, I even had to ask him “Did you not notice it was raining?” and you know what his response was? “Yes, but that won’t stop us from cleaning your windows!” can we all say duh? Sorry didn’t mean to sidetrack you from the story, but it is because of that very sales person that the story takes a huge twist.

The hotdog is in my hand, Hemi is standing by my side at the door, Rooby’s on the back of the sofa to my side, Amberly is in the kitchen. I call Amberly into the room so she can hold Hemi for me and then it all happens and of course only to me!

Try to keep up with me on this, as it all happened so fast. Amberly grabs Hemi’s collar and takes the hotdog out of my hand, Rooby drops the rope grabs the hot dog runs out the door across the yard, into the street, up the neighbors lawn onto their porch where there are about 6 teens sitting and doing nothing with their life.

Bringing up the rear is Hemi, he is not going to give up the fight for the hotdog, Amberly run’s out the door, I hobble behind her in extreme pain as Hemi launched off , yes you have it, my toe!!! The kids are all doing the cute little doxie thing and then they see this huge rottie galloping towards them and they all start screaming. So the mom of the house opens the door ( can we say big mistake?) to see what was the kids were screaming about just as Amberly get to the porch and tries to reassure the kids that Hemi was threat to them.

The Lady holds the door open and in runs Rooby with the hotdog still in mouth and yes you got, it Hemi is right behind her. The lady screams and their dog starts barking as Rooby is running through their house trying to find a safe place to eat the hotdog. As I said before, Hemi is not graceful, nor will he ever be, It was not put into his genetic code and it’s just not ever going to happen. The lady still frantic and in a panic she refuses to go into the house until the dogs are out of there.

So I finally make it to the porch and I so politely introduce myself, Hi, I’m your new neighbor across the street, I’m so pleased to meet you! well so much for the neighborhood welcome wagon showing up to my house anytime soon. Amberly asked it she would mind if she could go into her house and retrieve the dogs. The kids had disbursed to who knows where (probably in the tree lol); the lady was close to having a stroke and me? My toe is throbbing.

Now I’m happy to report that my dogs did not destroy one single thing in her house. (Thank you God) Yes I am still in shock with that, but at the same time so very grateful as I know how destructive my dogs can be. Amberly walks out with Rooby in her arms and Hemi by the collar. There is still a half of hotdog hanging from Rooby’s mouth.

I make my apologies to this women and walk away knowing we will never be in the Best friends forever club. “Oh My!” (note the sarcasm). I grab Rooby as Hemi is a handful when lead by the collar, I concede that for her valiant efforts the hotdogs was hers! As we get to the front door I place Rooby on the ground and she stares at me, so I tell her to get your happy little butt inside. She looks at me and puts the hotdog down and of course Hemi grabs it and it’s gone in one swallow. Ok now what? I wonder. So when she gets into the house she race to the back of the sofa where the rope still lays. Know Way I tell Amberly.

No way in hell is she getting that rope, I will climb the highest mountain, I will part the red sea, I will take on an army, but she cannot have My rope. “Mom that’s pretty big talk for someone that has probably had her toe broken how many times did you say? Wasn’t that in just a months time period?

Yeah that’s what I thought, Let the dog have the rope! No! I protest. That rope is mine, I have fought for this rope and I am not about to let a 6lb dog defeat me now! I grabbed to rope and yelled “ I am victorious, I have won the rope, It is mine I say, all mine! and Amberly looks at me as she walks away shaking her head .

Mom please tell me I was adopted, Sorry but not going to happen. You are of my blood. You are the reason people should not have children and why some species eat their young! she snaps. And you know what? She is probably right! But let me tell you this; that rope hangs on my wall right next to my dollar bill!

And that was my day, how was yours?

Why Me?

Why Me?

I can’t remember a day quite like today; I actually would love to banish it from my memory banks. I never knew I could drive so many miles in my life and not accomplish anything at the same time.

My morning starts will me falling out of bed, not something I really wanted to do, but it was coming up on noon; So I stick my nose out the door looking waiting for anything that may hit me square in the face. I almost made to the bathroom before I was hit with my first dilemma; Mom can you take me? Stop right there! I yell, what? snaps Shane.

Can I please go to the bathroom before you hit me with all the crap that your about to hit me with? I snap. Well I guess so, if you have to go that bad! (Smart ass) So I take my shower and get ready for the day and walk out of my bedroom door and who was standing their but Shane! And at this very moment I knew that I would pray that I would never relive this day again!

What is it Shane? What is it that is so important that I need to put my life on hold for you? Not allowing him to speak, after all Shane why not; I have nothing else to do today what is that you need? Can you take me to get my check cashed and to get some new clothes? OK Shane; this is what I need to do before I can go. I need to feed your father, I need to feed the dogs, (not necessarily in the order) do the dishes, put a load of laundry in, vacuum the house, trim the trees, prune the roses, Get my PhD in school, get my face lift and body lift, have complete knee and hip replacement; but hey, other then that I can fit you into my schedule.

Geeeeez mom did you get up on the wrong side of the bed? Oh let me tell you what, that was not the thing to say to me that morning! I grab Shane by the shirt now mind you Shane was 18 yrs old and a very big boy, just not big enough to take me on; and I told him in my calming voice.

If you want to live out the rest of your life you will not talk to me for the rest of the day, you will do everything I ask; and then some, you will get all A’s in school, you will have scholarship that will pay for your college degree, You will mow the lawn, you will prune the rose, you will do poop duty in the back yard, you will clean all pens, you will do the laundry, you will feed the animals and your father,(not necessarily in that order) and most of all you will not speak to me for the rest of my life do you understand? Yes mame, He says. Shane Puts his hands in the air and starts moving backwards out the door, moving out the door slowly! says Shane. Smart boy, I say!

Now that I had all the chores done I felt a little relived and told Shane that I would take him to run his errands. He gets into the car with me, He sits their for a moment, then looks at me, then looks at the radio then back at me. What is it child? Speak! Mom you told me not to speak to you for the rest of my life! Oh yeah I forgot about that. Ok son I can’t read your mind what do you want? Can I turn on the radio please? Wow, he said please; must have put the fear of God in that boy; yep I’m feeling the power.

Go ahead turn on the radio I say is a very sweet tone. Hey mom? Stop! Shane did I say you could talk to me yet? No, then don’t! Yes mame! Oh yeah, bring on the power, I going to have to do this more often I thought, and the day just got much better.

So with all this nonsense taken care of I see the gas gage and it is on fumes.Crap I think, so I go to the gas station, then to the bank then to Wal-Mart. I look at my watch OMG I only have 20 minutes to get home to pick up Ciara and go off to physical therapy. Well normally I don’t drive really fast (yeah right) So I put on some of my favorite tunes ACDC and crank the tunes and managed to miss every highway patrol man; and boy howdy where they lucky because if they had tried to stop me today I would of ripped their head off and shoved it where the sun doesn't shine. So then I get back to the high school to pick up Ciara and head off to the physical therapist.

Now Ciara is set up doing the therapy needed for her foot and then the Therapist turns to me and says Mrs. Brown I think we need to crank it up a notch; of course he couldn't be talking to me; no one in the right mind would of said that to me on this particular day, not if the planned on having any life expectancy left.

There is no way in hell he would have said that to me, not today of all days what is he thinking? I ask myself, he must have known he would be taking his life in his hands. Crank what up a notch? I ask, your treatment, he says. Oh my treatment, and that means exactly what? as I glare at him. He studies my face for a moment and say, OK then; I can see today would not be a good day to work your muscles a little harder. I smile and walk away. Smart man I think, he must have a will to live and his mother must have showed him the “FACE” many times.

We finish at the physical therapist and have to take Ciara to the eye Dr. where she had appt to have eyes checked again. So here we sit at the eye Doctor for an hour and a half just to find out that the frames that Ciara needs are going to cost me another $75.00 over the insurance. By this time I was ready to pull my hair out, I had; had it.

So I left the Dr. alive and walked out the office quietly and said I would return with the extra $75.00 tomorrow. I quietly get into the car reach over to the back seat grab the pillow that was lying on the seat placed it over my face and screamed into it. I said nothing as I placed the pillow back where I got it, turned the car on and started the ride home. Now all this time Ciara is laughing her head off; her makeup is melting off her face and now she is mad at me because I made her laugh? Give me a break!

I head home to see my loving husband to get a very much needed hug. I could not of been more wrong; not only was he not there; he left all the dogs out; do you have any ideas of what 12 Pomeranian's and a rottie mix puppy can do unsupervised for 1 hour in a house? And heavens lets not forget Tux is the ring leader. Now I’m thinking my day could not get much worse; wrong again!

I am going to tell you what not to leave on the floor when you’re stupid enough to leave 13 dogs unsupervised alone in the house for one hour.

Here is the list of what not to leave out:

25lbs of dry cat food; all gone! No doggies in my bed tonight.

The 20lbs of flour I took out of my car just before I left this morning, Oh yes, Ebby my black pom; she is now white!

The big pack of toilet paper; you know the ones that have 24 rolls in them? Well not now!

25lbs of cat litter; real hard to get out of carpet.

The one gallon containers for you pets drinking water? Now completely empty, and of course I filled it just before I left. Do you realize I had to grasp onto the counters to walk into the kitchen hoping not to fall flat on my ass?

Sundays newspaper no longer stacked neatly by the chair, it has been shredded by little Bodi, (he has a paper fetish)So all this is what was left in my kitchen before I left; not any longer! It was a disaster zone; I was right in the middle of it with no hope in sight.

Now anyone who knows me know that I am not a cranky person, but today
just about sent me over the edge, Not only did I rip Dave’s head off for leaving the dogs out, but to top it all off do you think that anyone would of started dinner? That would be a big Hell no! So when I thought I was angry before? Not even remotely! Now I’m fuming I am so angry I have no words to speak; and me being speechless is a novelty within itself.

My son Jess walks in the room and has to nerve to say to me; Hi mom, how was your day? As I’m holding unto the kitchen sink trying not to slip in this mess I turn around and give him that “LOOK” and Jess looks and me and in a soft voices; Walking out of the room slowly, smart boy that Jess, smart boy!

Now that was my day; so how was yours?

A day with the Kanado.

What is a Kanado? My grandson Kayden; one baby demolitions derby. What’s with the nick name Kanado? Because I made it up and it fits him perfectly. Think about it tornado? And Kayden, hence; Kanodo.

Now we have the privilege of having the Kanado here with us most every other weekend to visit his gammie and family. I love the little bugger, he is just as cute he can be and he knows how to work the women in his life. He is a work in progress as are all babies. With Kayden who is on one yr old, the world belongs to him and he rules with his little iron fist. He is a one baby catastrophe away for the next.

From the moment he enters the door, he is on a mission; what is the mission? He doesn’t know he just knows he has so much to do and he needs to start yesterday.

When the little man comes to visit we need to get ready; what do I mean by getting ready? That is so easy, he is into everything, we have baby safety locks for the entire kitchen, we have electric plugs, we have baby proofed our home and the Kanoado will find something that we forgot. Take the dog water; I bought a large container for the Rotties that is constantly free flowing water. Now I’m old, not dirt old but I creak when I walk and sometimes I forget to do thing like picking up the one gallon container of water. This is playground for little Kanoado, think of how a Baby would think, hummm what is this? Looks interesting, maybe even entertaining, I must explore and see the magic it holds.

OK now I have been around the block or two or three or four, (yeah that can go on and on). I have raised many babies and I do know how they think and I know that look, you know the look that when their about to do something that they know they are one suppose to do? Yeah, that look. They push the limits, they take their little baby hands and look you straight in the eye and reach for what they are not suppose to touch. They know this, but they count on the little adorable baby look they give you. The look works for most, it is really cute I must admit, but I’m grandma, and the look does not work for me.

So Kanado sees the water, all one gallon of it. He is told a firm no and removed from the temptation and place is what I would consider the Toys-R-Us playroom, but to Kayden it is not entertained; not in the least. He must do things that get him into a mass destruction mode. Not good for the old people in his life. He lives from one adventure to the other, that’s the Kanado; and probably a sign of things to come in his future life. Scary to say the least.

So I decide to go downstairs to do some laundry, Amanda was here to watch him, but she thought I took him down with me. “And that’s what you get for thinking!”

The Kanado can go mock 90 either on his little feet, or crawling on the floor, he is fast, real fast. He was back in the kitchen in 2.5 seconds with all intentions of the dog’s water dish. This was his mission and he was not going to be stopped no how no way.


I think this is how it went down, Kanado was going to have the water dish at any cost. So Mommy went upstairs to get him a diaper, she left for mere seconds, but in those few mere seconds Kanado was going to wreak havoc in my kitchen. This is only speculations as I was not in the kitchen with the little man and he persuade his dastardly deeds. So here goes. The water dish was just freshly filled, not any longer, the 40lb bag of dry dog food by the water dish? Yep, water was taking over the whole thing. The new 10lb of flour that I had to replace from the chicken frying incident? not any longer. Let’s not forget when something is water soaked and sealed in paper how fast things can go haywire.

I come upstairs to see little Kayden sitting in the midst of flour, water, and wet dry dog food. Kayden is a charmer, as I said he knows how to work the women in his life. Kanado looks up at me as he is sitting in the new mess drenched if this horrid concoction and cracked the biggest smile he could pull from the debts of his iddy biddy soul.

Of course that smile brought a smile to my face; after all he is my grandson and the most adorable Kanado I have ever seen. I go to the stairs and call Amanda to tell her she has a little mess to clean up with Kanado. Amanda comes down stairs and looks around as I say he is in the kitchen, (you don’t think I was going to clean it up do you? you would be so sadly mistaken) KAYDEN what did you do? OMG I don’t believe this I wasn’t gone for more then 5 minutes and you did all this in 5 minutes? Holy Crap, geeeeezzzz child is this a sign of things to come?

And me? All I could do was smile and walk away mumbling I told you a long time ago I wished a child just like you, and guess what? you got it. I love poetic justice don’t you?