Why can’t I just do normal?
Here is the question: “Why can’t I just do normal?” Why is it that I seem to attract to my home and hearth dogs with OCD, ADD, ADHD, and schizophrenic tendency with otherwise psycho/sociologically damaged and deranged entwined. Have you ever harbored a manic-depressive mutt? True, I have harbored these type of dogs, but in my defense, they find me-I don’t find them.
Now, what’s worse than this is that I see these things in myself. Yes Moi, The one and only Sherry. At moments I think I do have the ultra ego and think I’m ten foot tall and bullet proof but for all who that know me well, know that my mockingbird mouth overloads my humming bird brain. I speak before thinking and then sometimes I think about speaking and forget what I’m going to say. That is pretty much me in a cracked egg shell. A taco short of a combinations plate!
I have accepted this with true grit and dignity, I have to, it is my reality; and try as I might I have found it that my reality is impossible to change. I do tend to engage in things that might be normal for most people and turn into some roller coaster ride from the depths of hell.
Here is a for instance; I’m frying chicken for dinner, Simple, right? Yes, perhaps for the normal person, but let me take you into the reality of my world. Sherry’s chicken frying experience is not normal, by no stretch of the imagination; in fact it makes me never want to see another chicken in my life.
So here is how Sherry’s chicken frying experience goes. Now you need oil to fry right? Ok that is easy, always use a stick of butter or 2 or 3 maybe 4, Hey give me a break I’m a cook not a Dr. I am firmly convinced ed that if you blow on food it blows all the calories away. Now to look at me this could easily be disputed and I’m sure it would not hold up in a court of law.
My eldest son once told me that sound like something you would read off a roll of a toilet paper, could that be? hummmm maybe that’s where I got it from.
Now back to the chicken frying experience. I grab the gallon container of oil in the bottom of the pantry. I had noticed that usually the container is clear and I’m not one for reading labels, but I’m thinking now would be a good time to start. As usual I pay no mind and place the oil in skillet to heat as I’m cleaning the chicken.
I go back to the pantry grab the flour to dust the chicken. As most people know flour is in a bag and in my case it is in a ten lb bag open and full.
Hemi and Chase my two rottie boys are at my side as usual and under foot as usual. I have shelves in my pantry, several in fact and my pantry is not organizeded, I do not have time to organize I leave that to people who are normal!
So the rottie boys see my open the pantry and they know that is where I keep their treats and chew bones. I have a brilliant idea, I will give the boys a bone to chew on and they will leave me alone. Let me tell you what, I’m one smart slightly cracked egg.
I place the flour on the top shelf in the only open space I can find. I made sure it was secure; I bet you thought I was going to wear it didn’t you? I bend over to get the boys their bones and have assumed as of now what was premeditated goose from the bowels of his little itty biddy evil brain that could of raised the dead. This caused me to fall face first into the pantry and knock all the shelves down on top of all of us.
I’m sitting in the bottom of the pantry, bones in hand, 2 rottie boys by my side and cover ed in flour; to say the least without one ounce of dignity on any of our face.
Dalaynee is now five, she is a big girl now, fears nothing except what she creates in her over active imaginations; and mind you, there are some really weird things going on in her little mind.
Lani had been outside playing with her friends and came in for a drink of water. If you will please; turn on the video in your mind, but put if in slow motion. Me sitting in the bottom of the pantry, two rottie boys sitting on me and believe me and two one hundred pound rotties with nothing showing but asshole an elbows is a very ugly, ugly sight. Flour all over all three us covered head to toe, and this little five year old girl who had just watch Scooby Doo that morning and the episode was about the ghost in the kitchen .
So here we go, Lani runs in the house, gets her little steps to reach the sink never looking towards the pantry get herself a cup from the counter and fills it to the top with water. This is a very bad habit Lani has, she must have the biggest cup for the most water that she could never drink in a lifetime, but hey I have bigger things to deal with so the cup size is no issue to me, until today.
Now this isn’t rocket science, Lani is still on her steps, she turns to get down off her steps and sees me and the boys covered with flour. She screams the blood curdling scream, the water goes flying up into the air and the water lands on me and the boys.
Uncle Buddah and Uncle Scott are trying to fix the part for the washer in the garage right off the kitchen and comes running into the house in the same door Lani is running out of the kitchen screaming at the top of her lungs.
Now clear you minds for just one moment if you will; come into my world. Here I am sitting on the ground with two rottie’s on my lap covered in flour and water running off my hair and glasses and seeping into my clothes. The dogs are covered in flour and water and if that is not bad enough Chase the one rottie smiles when he is happy, have you ever seen a rottie smile? Interesting to say the least. Let’s go one step further; have you ever seen a smiling rottie covered in flour and water? Hemi is determined to be release from the mass chaos.
Then you have myself who is older then dirt sitting on the floor trying to figure out how this horizontally and vertically challenged woman is going to get off the floor while saving her dignity.
As I sit calling to Lani and all you can see on this little girl is the back of her head she is going mock ninety running down the street in full sight of the neighbors that already think we have more then our fair share of issues. Lani is not coming back to me anytime soon not now; not anytime soon. Shane comes over to me and Scott laughing hysterically to help deliver me from the grasp of the pit; know as the pantry.
We put the boys outside as I ask tell Shane to please go find Lani. Lani loves her Uncle Buddha is one of her favorite toys to play with, I think it’s because she finds him amusing, but let’s not forget also; because he is big and fluffy. So logically he would be the best one to calm her down right? Well that’s what I thought also.
I proceed to go wash myself off while Scott starts cleaning what has now just been declared an national disaster. Here is a visual for you; macaroni all over, the honey bottle broke as it slowly mixes with the flour. The lid popped open ed on the Mrs. Butterworth Maple syrup, did you know Mrs. Butterworth just stood their smiling at me? Now talk about freaky. Ok so when I pick up the bag of “I have to have the bag of lucky charms, grandma!” which by the way I hate, the bag never seals. So I picked the bag up, and of course Lucky Charms were now also involved in the hodgepodge of disaster. Food was mixed together in mayhem that would of made Martha Stewart cringe. In my feeble mind I saw so many new combinations food I could fix for dinner and call it good.
Shane has made the declaration that he will never have kids, I honesty believe think Shane thinks they will be just like him, because that is what I wished upon him, so he playing it safe and smart.
As I’m cleaning up the mess that has now been declared a disaster zone, I hear Lani off in the distance still Screaming and believe me show would put a holler monkey to shame.
I look out the window and I see Lani over Shane’s shoulder and she is kicking and screaming and he is trying to get her back into the house and she is hanging onto the door frame refusing to let her go and Uncle Buddha is getting very angry and I run to his rescue. Lani, I say calmly, Its me Grandma, she looks at me for just a moment and stares.
Lani settles right down and I sit on the porch and tell her what had happened. We sat there for just a few minutes and I told her it was ok to come back into the house, we had no ghost or ghost dogs and that we had flour on us.
The good news is Lani is easy to talk to “Thank You God!” and I was able to reassure her, all is well with her. Now my biggest fear for Lani is that she has a whole lifetime with Grandma and if it continues the way it is going in her little life with grandma, has me wondering if possibly I should start her in therapy as a precautionary measure?
Now let’s move back just a little, remember the oil in the pan? Good news I forgot to turn it on. So now that the kitchen somewhat back to normal, potatoes peeled, ready to put on the stove to boil.
In our family fried chicken comes with mashed potatoes and gravy. I turn on the oil and I flour the chicken and get ready to put the chicken in the pan. The oil is bellowing smoke and for the life of me I cannot figure out what is happening to the five pounds of butter and oil mixture that has just set off every smoke detector in the neighborhood. Good thing the fire dept is directly across the street from us. I honestly think that Scott loved this house,When we were looking for a place to live that had an fire, rescue, police, army, navy, marines and Air Force close at hand just in case something like this happened.
I’m not a rocket scientist but I know when something doesn’t look right. I stand their looking at the oil and trying to figure out what is wrong. I turn the stove off.
I grab the bottle of oil and open it and smell it, and at this very moment Amberly walks in the house wondering why it looks like a five alarm fire with smoke billowing out the windows. She sees me as I'm smelling the oil and says to me Hey mom do you like the smell of the new laundry detergent is free from all the normal stuff? I stand their in total amazement at her, I was speechless I mean speechless and that is a big deal for me. I look at her and look at the bottle and then glance at the pan, she looks at me and looks at the pan and stares in amazement at me and all she could says was You didn't try to cook the chicken in this did you? I don’t know why, she should be use to me by now after 30 yrs.
Of course not! Then why are you looking at the pan? Because I was thinking how much this oil looks like laundry soap, weird isn’t it? I grab the pan and dump it down the drain fast so she would have no idea that I was frying chicken in laundry soap.
Now her is a hint for all ya’all, do not pour down maybe four cups of butter laundry soap mixture into the sink AND TURN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL ON!
BIG MISTAKE, BIG, BIG, MISTAKE!
OMG mom; you did not pour laundry soap down the garbage disposal did you? and all I could say was No! That was the best I could come up with was just No, not yes, not maybe, but No.
Now picture this if you will, four cups of laundry soap mixed with potato peels that had not been ground up as of yet. Scott has told me over and over; garbage disposal do not like repeat, do not like starch, no potato peels, EVER! Oops my bad again!
The garbage disposal is foaming at the mouth, I am serious, there are bubbles coming out of every nook and cranny of every crevasse and onto the floor. So the logical thing to do is turn it off right? Yeah that is if you’re really sure footed, and are willing to take on a wall of bubble that have reached levels even the blob could not go. Now I love my sons, I have moment that I have wished I could have taken them out of my misery, but hey they are still alive and here right?
Now Scott has told me on many occasions that if I had been a horse he would taken me out and shot me a long time ago, and in cowboy logic if a horse is not sure footed, they are of no use. So of course he is the one that walks into the house from the garage and sees this wall of bubbles coming towards him, Now Shane is close behind him, Shane is a smart ass, always has been always will be, as is Scott when he not trying to undo the messes him mother creates. Shane yells “Save the women and children first Scott!” Scott cracks a smile, then right back to the mess.
What the hell happened here? Amberly whom could not keep her mouth shut of course has a smart ass statement to make What do you think Scott, who is looking real guilty here? It’s not you or I or even Shane now is it? Scott gave me that Look; you know the look that you give your kids their whole life when they know they are in big trouble?
Yeah; that look! And you know that best I could come up with was It was Lani! yeah I blamed it on Lani, can you believe that? I blamed Lani a mere five year old! I have told a big lie, big, really huge lie; Lani is now cooking with laundry soap and pouring it down the drain with the peels from the potato Lani peeled with a sharp knife? Yes another amazing accomplishment for a five yr old. Boy that girl is some kind of smart, must take after Grandma. OMG Mom what have you done? snaps Scott. Ok I guess it was visual dead giveaway.
Poor Scott, he is the oldest and has put up with me for much longer then the rest of the gang. I do have sympathy for him, it’s not like I plan these things, they just happen, Why? I can’t answer that, the things that happen to me are so far beyond comprehension; I gave up. It is, what it is! Just as simple as that. I cannot do normal and probably never will, I really want to, but you know and I know it’s not happening; not now, not ever!
Now back to Scott, I really do feel bad as he seems to be the one to undo all my catastrophes and there are many, but this time all poor Scott could do was walk out of the kitchen and mumbles to me; I’m picking your rest home!
I did have to clean up the mess and I did have to empty the garbage disposal of potato peels. The biggest obstacles of course were getting to the sink without falling flat on my butt; and guess what? I did it, yeah go me! I did have to finish dinner and I did fry the chicken in oil and tons of butter.
Oh by the way did I mention the mashed potatoes? Yeah, just a small mishap, very, very small mishap, by my standards. Minor I might add, not to big by comparison of some of the things I have done I suppose.
So I did need to mash the potato right? Well usually I get the little hand mixer out and just whip them in the pan, but for some odd reason unbeknownst to me or anyone else in the universe, I decided that today of all days I would use my kitchen Aid mixer to whip the potatoes. Why? Who knows, I have quit asking myself why.
So I place the potatoes in the mixing bowl of the kitchen aid, no biggie I have done it before, totally uneventful I must add. Now for some reason today, I do believe God was zapping me today.
Now let me what defines a God zap in Sherry terms. A God zap is when you do something that you shouldn’t and karma zaps you for it. Karma is God, what goes around comes around, so I figured I must of done something and for the life of me, I can’t remember what it would have been, God has zapped me today.
I would venture as far to say He triple zapped me for reason unknown to, and some how some way I must repent for still reason unknown to me.
So back to the mashed potatoes; Now I have placed the hot potatoes in a stainless Steel bowl. So I go to the fridge and found I used all the butter for the chicken, which has no calories by the way; why you ask? Because I blew on the chicken, and this logic works for me.
After moving many things in the refrigerator I found a small bowl that had melted butter in it. I was so happy; you can’t have mashed potatoes without real butter can you?
As I was standing in front of the bowl I added the salt and pepper and I wait for it to whip more, the more whipped it is the more we like it. I decided it was time to add the butter.
Because the butter had been melted before so it was stuck to the side of the bowl. I get myself a spoon and proceed to scrap out the butter from the bowl. Now here is the weird thing. The day has not been great, I won’t recap it for you; all know what happened. I could write a tell all book and no one would believe unless they lived behind these walls of insanity.
I’m holding the butter bowl over the bowl to the mixer and start to scrap out the butter and the bowl slips out of my hands hits the beaters that are on full blast, flies out of the bowl bounces off the refrigerator and out the window that was closed .
Yep, broke my kitchen window right out onto the front yard where Shane happened to be now mowing the lawn. The Bowl fly’s by Shane in the speed of light and of course it catches Shane’s attention and it would anyone’s, no think about it; your minding your own business and all the sudden while mowing the lawn something from somewhere just about hits you in the head? yeah, that would of been kind of hard to explain.
I’m standing at the kitchen sink and I see Shane it sheer confusion looking at the sky wondering what in the hell just flew by him, that was some funny stuff right there.
Shane hears me laughing and looks at me and cracks a smile and I yell to him, It wasn’t me. Shane cracks a smile and says, Yeah right!
Now my sink not only has potatoes peels clogging it up, but now it burps bubbles while spitting out shards of glass. It just doesn’t get any better then this!
Now please tell me why can’t I just do Normal?
In our family fried chicken comes with mashed potatoes and gravy. I turn on the oil and I flour the chicken and get ready to put the chicken in the pan. The oil is bellowing smoke and for the life of me I cannot figure out what is happening to the five pounds of butter and oil mixture that has just set off every smoke detector in the neighborhood. Good thing the fire dept is directly across the street from us. I honestly think that Scott loved this house,When we were looking for a place to live that had an fire, rescue, police, army, navy, marines and Air Force close at hand just in case something like this happened.
I’m not a rocket scientist but I know when something doesn’t look right. I stand their looking at the oil and trying to figure out what is wrong. I turn the stove off.
I grab the bottle of oil and open it and smell it, and at this very moment Amberly walks in the house wondering why it looks like a five alarm fire with smoke billowing out the windows. She sees me as I'm smelling the oil and says to me Hey mom do you like the smell of the new laundry detergent is free from all the normal stuff? I stand their in total amazement at her, I was speechless I mean speechless and that is a big deal for me. I look at her and look at the bottle and then glance at the pan, she looks at me and looks at the pan and stares in amazement at me and all she could says was You didn't try to cook the chicken in this did you? I don’t know why, she should be use to me by now after 30 yrs.
Of course not! Then why are you looking at the pan? Because I was thinking how much this oil looks like laundry soap, weird isn’t it? I grab the pan and dump it down the drain fast so she would have no idea that I was frying chicken in laundry soap.
Now her is a hint for all ya’all, do not pour down maybe four cups of butter laundry soap mixture into the sink AND TURN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL ON!
BIG MISTAKE, BIG, BIG, MISTAKE!
OMG mom; you did not pour laundry soap down the garbage disposal did you? and all I could say was No! That was the best I could come up with was just No, not yes, not maybe, but No.
Now picture this if you will, four cups of laundry soap mixed with potato peels that had not been ground up as of yet. Scott has told me over and over; garbage disposal do not like repeat, do not like starch, no potato peels, EVER! Oops my bad again!
The garbage disposal is foaming at the mouth, I am serious, there are bubbles coming out of every nook and cranny of every crevasse and onto the floor. So the logical thing to do is turn it off right? Yeah that is if you’re really sure footed, and are willing to take on a wall of bubble that have reached levels even the blob could not go. Now I love my sons, I have moment that I have wished I could have taken them out of my misery, but hey they are still alive and here right?
Now Scott has told me on many occasions that if I had been a horse he would taken me out and shot me a long time ago, and in cowboy logic if a horse is not sure footed, they are of no use. So of course he is the one that walks into the house from the garage and sees this wall of bubbles coming towards him, Now Shane is close behind him, Shane is a smart ass, always has been always will be, as is Scott when he not trying to undo the messes him mother creates. Shane yells “Save the women and children first Scott!” Scott cracks a smile, then right back to the mess.
What the hell happened here? Amberly whom could not keep her mouth shut of course has a smart ass statement to make What do you think Scott, who is looking real guilty here? It’s not you or I or even Shane now is it? Scott gave me that Look; you know the look that you give your kids their whole life when they know they are in big trouble?
Yeah; that look! And you know that best I could come up with was It was Lani! yeah I blamed it on Lani, can you believe that? I blamed Lani a mere five year old! I have told a big lie, big, really huge lie; Lani is now cooking with laundry soap and pouring it down the drain with the peels from the potato Lani peeled with a sharp knife? Yes another amazing accomplishment for a five yr old. Boy that girl is some kind of smart, must take after Grandma. OMG Mom what have you done? snaps Scott. Ok I guess it was visual dead giveaway.
Poor Scott, he is the oldest and has put up with me for much longer then the rest of the gang. I do have sympathy for him, it’s not like I plan these things, they just happen, Why? I can’t answer that, the things that happen to me are so far beyond comprehension; I gave up. It is, what it is! Just as simple as that. I cannot do normal and probably never will, I really want to, but you know and I know it’s not happening; not now, not ever!
Now back to Scott, I really do feel bad as he seems to be the one to undo all my catastrophes and there are many, but this time all poor Scott could do was walk out of the kitchen and mumbles to me; I’m picking your rest home!
I did have to clean up the mess and I did have to empty the garbage disposal of potato peels. The biggest obstacles of course were getting to the sink without falling flat on my butt; and guess what? I did it, yeah go me! I did have to finish dinner and I did fry the chicken in oil and tons of butter.
Oh by the way did I mention the mashed potatoes? Yeah, just a small mishap, very, very small mishap, by my standards. Minor I might add, not to big by comparison of some of the things I have done I suppose.
So I did need to mash the potato right? Well usually I get the little hand mixer out and just whip them in the pan, but for some odd reason unbeknownst to me or anyone else in the universe, I decided that today of all days I would use my kitchen Aid mixer to whip the potatoes. Why? Who knows, I have quit asking myself why.
So I place the potatoes in the mixing bowl of the kitchen aid, no biggie I have done it before, totally uneventful I must add. Now for some reason today, I do believe God was zapping me today.
Now let me what defines a God zap in Sherry terms. A God zap is when you do something that you shouldn’t and karma zaps you for it. Karma is God, what goes around comes around, so I figured I must of done something and for the life of me, I can’t remember what it would have been, God has zapped me today.
I would venture as far to say He triple zapped me for reason unknown to, and some how some way I must repent for still reason unknown to me.
So back to the mashed potatoes; Now I have placed the hot potatoes in a stainless Steel bowl. So I go to the fridge and found I used all the butter for the chicken, which has no calories by the way; why you ask? Because I blew on the chicken, and this logic works for me.
After moving many things in the refrigerator I found a small bowl that had melted butter in it. I was so happy; you can’t have mashed potatoes without real butter can you?
As I was standing in front of the bowl I added the salt and pepper and I wait for it to whip more, the more whipped it is the more we like it. I decided it was time to add the butter.
Because the butter had been melted before so it was stuck to the side of the bowl. I get myself a spoon and proceed to scrap out the butter from the bowl. Now here is the weird thing. The day has not been great, I won’t recap it for you; all know what happened. I could write a tell all book and no one would believe unless they lived behind these walls of insanity.
I’m holding the butter bowl over the bowl to the mixer and start to scrap out the butter and the bowl slips out of my hands hits the beaters that are on full blast, flies out of the bowl bounces off the refrigerator and out the window that was closed .
Yep, broke my kitchen window right out onto the front yard where Shane happened to be now mowing the lawn. The Bowl fly’s by Shane in the speed of light and of course it catches Shane’s attention and it would anyone’s, no think about it; your minding your own business and all the sudden while mowing the lawn something from somewhere just about hits you in the head? yeah, that would of been kind of hard to explain.
I’m standing at the kitchen sink and I see Shane it sheer confusion looking at the sky wondering what in the hell just flew by him, that was some funny stuff right there.
Shane hears me laughing and looks at me and cracks a smile and I yell to him, It wasn’t me. Shane cracks a smile and says, Yeah right!
Now my sink not only has potatoes peels clogging it up, but now it burps bubbles while spitting out shards of glass. It just doesn’t get any better then this!
Now please tell me why can’t I just do Normal?
