Rocket Science versus the School of Hard Knocks
Have you ever noticed how just some thing are just not meant to be put together? Well if you haven’t then it time you live and learn, I sure in the heck just did.
I am smart, book smart I might add and I would like to think I’m street smart also, but what I don’t seem to be is dog smart. I just never get IT, whatever IT is. No matter how hard I try to be the best mommy for my doggies, seems that fate has something else in mind for me.
The laws of attraction, think about it, take a good look at your life and you can see how some things are just natural right?? Ok I know most of us understand that. For instance you go and find that perfect little puppy, oh so cute, the puppy breath, the razors for teeth, the pee the poop the destruction of shoes and anything else they can find and don’t forget the mayhem.
But they grow up and to be normal dogs, owners get that very special doggie that they have dreamed of. You know the ones, they go potty outside, and they only chew on their toy’s, they never eat off the dinner table, they don’t pee or poop In the house and you can leave them all day while your at work and come home to a very nice clean home and the dishes being done, the same house you left that morning but better?. Now that is the picture of the ideal dog and I know they are out there, but where? Not sure, but definitely not in my house. In fact I can even say never to this one, not one dog have I ever had was the perfect dog. No Martha Stewart home here, not now and probably not ever, just not happening.
Take today for example; it’s been a long day, a really long day, a really, really, long day. Let me enlighten you this is how my day starts. 7:00 am rise and shine, (yeah right) the birds are chirping outside on my kitchen window sill, the coffee has magically started itself.
Have you ever noticed how just some thing are just not meant to be put together? Well if you haven’t then it time you live and learn, I sure in the heck just did.
I am smart, book smart I might add and I would like to think I’m street smart also, but what I don’t seem to be is dog smart. I just never get IT, whatever IT is. No matter how hard I try to be the best mommy for my doggies, seems that fate has something else in mind for me.
The laws of attraction, think about it, take a good look at your life and you can see how some things are just natural right?? Ok I know most of us understand that. For instance you go and find that perfect little puppy, oh so cute, the puppy breath, the razors for teeth, the pee the poop the destruction of shoes and anything else they can find and don’t forget the mayhem.
But they grow up and to be normal dogs, owners get that very special doggie that they have dreamed of. You know the ones, they go potty outside, and they only chew on their toy’s, they never eat off the dinner table, they don’t pee or poop In the house and you can leave them all day while your at work and come home to a very nice clean home and the dishes being done, the same house you left that morning but better?. Now that is the picture of the ideal dog and I know they are out there, but where? Not sure, but definitely not in my house. In fact I can even say never to this one, not one dog have I ever had was the perfect dog. No Martha Stewart home here, not now and probably not ever, just not happening.
Take today for example; it’s been a long day, a really long day, a really, really, long day. Let me enlighten you this is how my day starts. 7:00 am rise and shine, (yeah right) the birds are chirping outside on my kitchen window sill, the coffee has magically started itself.
The children, the lovely children, come into the kitchen with a song in their heart (yes it’s true, they all sound like Sarah Brighton or Josh Grobin) and a smile on their face, (are you seeing Norman Rockwell?) and let’s not forget the homemade hot cinnamon rolls baking in the oven, the smell is bliss, it puts such a smile on your face knowing your little world is perfect. Now if that was not enough to have a perfect day; my doggie let themselves out in the yard, (yes, I could not believe it either) and you’ll never guess what they did? Yes, they cleaned up their own poop. And not only that they fed themselves also “Now that’s what I’m talking about!” What wonderful doggies, what wonderful children.
Oh My, whom would be knocking at my door so early in the morning? Why it’s the
lovely Ms.Got to Be Perfect? She and I are members of the “Best Friends Forever”
Club. Why look, she has brought me my newspaper and fresh strawberries already
cleaned and cut, but wait, what’s this? Yes, you have it, she made the whole family
waffles for the strawberries, and if that wasn’t enough (that dear women) she stopped and milked a cow so the children could have fresh whole milk without steroids, additives, poison, pesticides ect.
Oh my, she takes such good care of us. I strive to be more like her. What a blessed woman she is, “I’m so lucky to have such a great Best Friend! Oh look it’s time for my children to go to school, But wait, what’s that? Did I hear that my best friend is taking them to school? Oh my, I’m just so blessed. Then the children gather up their backpacks and of course all their homework is done, my children only get A’s you know, and look here comes the limo, all ninety feet of it. Oh my, heavens look at that, Brad Pitt is driving the limo. Wow it just doesn’t get any better then this. I have such a perfect world. (Now that is sarcasm at its finest!)
Ha, I’ll tell you this much, I must have been dreaming or hitting the spirits early in the morning to have thought up all that crap. Not now, not ever will I have that kind of life.
Oh My, whom would be knocking at my door so early in the morning? Why it’s the
lovely Ms.Got to Be Perfect? She and I are members of the “Best Friends Forever”
Club. Why look, she has brought me my newspaper and fresh strawberries already
cleaned and cut, but wait, what’s this? Yes, you have it, she made the whole family
waffles for the strawberries, and if that wasn’t enough (that dear women) she stopped and milked a cow so the children could have fresh whole milk without steroids, additives, poison, pesticides ect.
Oh my, she takes such good care of us. I strive to be more like her. What a blessed woman she is, “I’m so lucky to have such a great Best Friend! Oh look it’s time for my children to go to school, But wait, what’s that? Did I hear that my best friend is taking them to school? Oh my, I’m just so blessed. Then the children gather up their backpacks and of course all their homework is done, my children only get A’s you know, and look here comes the limo, all ninety feet of it. Oh my, heavens look at that, Brad Pitt is driving the limo. Wow it just doesn’t get any better then this. I have such a perfect world. (Now that is sarcasm at its finest!)
Ha, I’ll tell you this much, I must have been dreaming or hitting the spirits early in the morning to have thought up all that crap. Not now, not ever will I have that kind of life.
I have Dogs, I have grandchildren, and they both have mouths the need either to be shut at times and feed at others. Neither one cleans up after themselves, you want waffles you say? Get them out of the freezer stick it them in toaster and throw some strawberry jam on it and call it good. Oh what’s that? You want fresh milk?? Here try this, it might be good for you, it has steroids, additives, pesticides, hormones ect. In, sounds healthy to me and take a look at me, I’ve always drank store bought milk and nothing is wrong with me.
The little birdie sitting on my window sill? humm if it doesn’t leave now I am going to get my shotgun out and blow his head off. He will regret ever landing on my window sill.
The little birdie sitting on my window sill? humm if it doesn’t leave now I am going to get my shotgun out and blow his head off. He will regret ever landing on my window sill.
It’s time to make the coffee and I find the coffee can empty, unbelievable, I have killed People and buried their bodies in a box in my backyard for less. I start searching cupboards for coffee none to found, I’m desperate I need my one cup of coffee and I need it NOW! I run to my neighbor begging for just a cup of coffee, what’s that? You’re all out? Why this could not be, what am I going to do now?
I don’t do thinking this early in the morning. Coffee must have coffee. I go home and start putting my thinking cap on. Hummm I think, well there is yesterday grounds still in the pot sounds like a good idea to me, I’ll just use those. Hey you would do the same thing in a crisis like this.
Now I must take care of the doggies, the need to go outside and do their business. My
ideal world you would say “Fluffy can you go pee and poop please?” and they really do? Wouldn’t that be the perfect thing for Caesar Milan to work on. I see it now Doggies outside waiting for the command to pee and poop. Hummm another thought what if they could not pee or poop unless they were told they could? Now that would not be very nice, but funny, as if you don’t have enough problems and then you dog blows up because you need amusement? (Bad thought Sherry). PETA will be knocking at my door in the near future.
So here I sit waiting for the dogs to do their business; and you know what? They have to sniff every blade of grass, why I ask? I just don’t understand Why? Is it not the same blade of grass they sniffed the last time they were out?? I know that it is. And you know what else I noticed? Rooby is Evil (my doxie). It could be raining, snowing, hurricane, (hey that one would be cool, I’m land locked) earthquake, flood, or nuclear fallout. This dog would still sniff every blade of grass and at the time looking at me with one eye. So you know she is doing it just to irritate me.
So the doggies are fed and there are happy. I now must get Tilar (my other Granddaughter) out the door for school, Tilar Where is your homework? I ask… Grandma Hemi ate it! she replies. What? I look at her with a look of you really don’t expect me to believe that do you? She said Grandma, I swear…she wines! Hey I wasn’t born yesterday and that excuse has been around before I was born.
So I call her dad and tell him that Tilar claim that Hemi ate her homework what do you want me to do? Mom he did eat Tilar’s homework, in fact you can go upstairs and find bits and pieces of homework strewn all over my floor and probably find the rest of it in his morning poop.” (Now that a visual I didn’t need) wow who would of thought, It really can happen! Go figure! So now I have to write a note to tell the teacher the dog ate Tilar’s homework. I expect a phone call with this one.
Now it’s time to get Lani on the bus for Pre-school. I put on her coat and her backpack and we hear the bus honk it horn and out the door runs Lani. But what I didn’t see was Rooby my doxie run out also, so I close the front door not thinking anything about it. I get a call from the school saying that they have an escaped convict at their school. Well here I am thinking OMG, panic, mayhem (hey; I do mayhem well) my baby what am I going to do? And convicts taking over a pre-school? What is up with that? Can you please come to school immediately? Yes right away. So now I need to think, what am I going to do when I get there? Know one will ever hurt or scare my babies, not as long as I’m living.
Ok my brain is working overtime, (yes, that can happen!) Ok I must warm up the car and maybe take Hemi, even though he is a puppy he has been training for the last ofur months. Hemi let’s go! Now Hemi loves the car, he is very good in the car as long as he can see where he is going. I don’t believe in leaving a dog in a car unless they are within eyesight.
Hemi’s loads up and I’m off. Mock ninety; I have ten miles before I get to the school. I pull up to the school expecting to see police swat teams, but there was nothing, no police, no swat team, nothing. I’m curious as to what is going on, do I dare go in the class room and grab Lani? Do I take Hemi in to show intent and force?
What is going on here I wonder. So now I must reanalyze, was the teacher being sarcastic? (God Knows, I’m not) Referring to my child as a convict? (Yes she can be at times, but only I can call her that) Or was she possibly kidding? Now that’s not funny.
I stare at the door to the pre-school. I’m thinking ok there is a logical explanation to this. Maybe, just maybe the kids have tied the convict up, (ok I watch to many cop shows, that was way unrealistic) so all I can figure is the convict that the teacher is talking about is Dalaynee.
Now Remember I left Hemi in the car. So I think, ok I will go retrieve my child. Make my apologies for who knows what, as Dalaynee is a great kid. I open the door and hear Mayhem. I look around the room and see what? Yes you got it, it was Rooby. Rooby loves kids and she was having a blast with 24 of them. I look around the room and it looks like a rainbow gone bad. I look at the teacher and she looks like she is not having a good day, flash a smile and I waited for one in return, but no deal, I guess Rooby had reeked havoc.
Seems the classroom had papers down to do a project with paint for Easter and Rooby stepped in the paint and had doggie foot prints all over the kids clothes, the floor, a few tables, ect. So I grab Roo and make my apologies and with a smile still on my face make a quick exit. (She still didn’t return my smile, how rude was that?) Some people are just not very nice I think as I head to the car. Now mind you I had left Hemi in the car for what? Maybe ten minutes at the very most. OK can we all say Big Mistake?
My memory is not great, I have been declared brain dead by my children so nothing I do ever surprises them and I personally use Chemo Brain as an excuse, hey it’s been working so far.
Now imagine this is you will. Ninety pound rottie puppy in the back of my daughter
caviler. Now cavilers are small so Dumb ass takes up the whole back seat. While putting him in I had forgotten that I had placed a bag for the local thrift store filled with used toys that lani had outgrown.
I don’t do thinking this early in the morning. Coffee must have coffee. I go home and start putting my thinking cap on. Hummm I think, well there is yesterday grounds still in the pot sounds like a good idea to me, I’ll just use those. Hey you would do the same thing in a crisis like this.
Now I must take care of the doggies, the need to go outside and do their business. My
ideal world you would say “Fluffy can you go pee and poop please?” and they really do? Wouldn’t that be the perfect thing for Caesar Milan to work on. I see it now Doggies outside waiting for the command to pee and poop. Hummm another thought what if they could not pee or poop unless they were told they could? Now that would not be very nice, but funny, as if you don’t have enough problems and then you dog blows up because you need amusement? (Bad thought Sherry). PETA will be knocking at my door in the near future.
So here I sit waiting for the dogs to do their business; and you know what? They have to sniff every blade of grass, why I ask? I just don’t understand Why? Is it not the same blade of grass they sniffed the last time they were out?? I know that it is. And you know what else I noticed? Rooby is Evil (my doxie). It could be raining, snowing, hurricane, (hey that one would be cool, I’m land locked) earthquake, flood, or nuclear fallout. This dog would still sniff every blade of grass and at the time looking at me with one eye. So you know she is doing it just to irritate me.
So the doggies are fed and there are happy. I now must get Tilar (my other Granddaughter) out the door for school, Tilar Where is your homework? I ask… Grandma Hemi ate it! she replies. What? I look at her with a look of you really don’t expect me to believe that do you? She said Grandma, I swear…she wines! Hey I wasn’t born yesterday and that excuse has been around before I was born.
So I call her dad and tell him that Tilar claim that Hemi ate her homework what do you want me to do? Mom he did eat Tilar’s homework, in fact you can go upstairs and find bits and pieces of homework strewn all over my floor and probably find the rest of it in his morning poop.” (Now that a visual I didn’t need) wow who would of thought, It really can happen! Go figure! So now I have to write a note to tell the teacher the dog ate Tilar’s homework. I expect a phone call with this one.
Now it’s time to get Lani on the bus for Pre-school. I put on her coat and her backpack and we hear the bus honk it horn and out the door runs Lani. But what I didn’t see was Rooby my doxie run out also, so I close the front door not thinking anything about it. I get a call from the school saying that they have an escaped convict at their school. Well here I am thinking OMG, panic, mayhem (hey; I do mayhem well) my baby what am I going to do? And convicts taking over a pre-school? What is up with that? Can you please come to school immediately? Yes right away. So now I need to think, what am I going to do when I get there? Know one will ever hurt or scare my babies, not as long as I’m living.
Ok my brain is working overtime, (yes, that can happen!) Ok I must warm up the car and maybe take Hemi, even though he is a puppy he has been training for the last ofur months. Hemi let’s go! Now Hemi loves the car, he is very good in the car as long as he can see where he is going. I don’t believe in leaving a dog in a car unless they are within eyesight.
Hemi’s loads up and I’m off. Mock ninety; I have ten miles before I get to the school. I pull up to the school expecting to see police swat teams, but there was nothing, no police, no swat team, nothing. I’m curious as to what is going on, do I dare go in the class room and grab Lani? Do I take Hemi in to show intent and force?
What is going on here I wonder. So now I must reanalyze, was the teacher being sarcastic? (God Knows, I’m not) Referring to my child as a convict? (Yes she can be at times, but only I can call her that) Or was she possibly kidding? Now that’s not funny.
I stare at the door to the pre-school. I’m thinking ok there is a logical explanation to this. Maybe, just maybe the kids have tied the convict up, (ok I watch to many cop shows, that was way unrealistic) so all I can figure is the convict that the teacher is talking about is Dalaynee.
Now Remember I left Hemi in the car. So I think, ok I will go retrieve my child. Make my apologies for who knows what, as Dalaynee is a great kid. I open the door and hear Mayhem. I look around the room and see what? Yes you got it, it was Rooby. Rooby loves kids and she was having a blast with 24 of them. I look around the room and it looks like a rainbow gone bad. I look at the teacher and she looks like she is not having a good day, flash a smile and I waited for one in return, but no deal, I guess Rooby had reeked havoc.
Seems the classroom had papers down to do a project with paint for Easter and Rooby stepped in the paint and had doggie foot prints all over the kids clothes, the floor, a few tables, ect. So I grab Roo and make my apologies and with a smile still on my face make a quick exit. (She still didn’t return my smile, how rude was that?) Some people are just not very nice I think as I head to the car. Now mind you I had left Hemi in the car for what? Maybe ten minutes at the very most. OK can we all say Big Mistake?
My memory is not great, I have been declared brain dead by my children so nothing I do ever surprises them and I personally use Chemo Brain as an excuse, hey it’s been working so far.
Now imagine this is you will. Ninety pound rottie puppy in the back of my daughter
caviler. Now cavilers are small so Dumb ass takes up the whole back seat. While putting him in I had forgotten that I had placed a bag for the local thrift store filled with used toys that lani had outgrown.
One of the items was (and to my regret) a small bean bag filled with the micro beads made for children. Why this bean bag was not filled with the big Styrofoam, peanuts? No, that would have been way to easy, no it was filled with the tiny micro beads of Styrofoam, iddy biddy pieces. Now have you ever had any dealing with Styrofoam, micro beads?? Well please let me enlighten you. They love static. The more static the happier these little beads are and the stick to everything, I mean everything.
So as I approach the car I see nothing but white and I think what in the world? and then I see all this white stuff moving and with this site I can even begin to phantom what it would be. I open the car door and I am hit by a wave of white stuff that is going up my nose in my eyes and every nook and cranny that had static. Unbelievable, Holy Crap what more can go wrong with my day? (Your about to find out!) As I’m standing their pondering what my next move will be; Bam out comes Hemi bounding out of the car covered in white Styrofoam and having the best of times. He’s happy, (he’s an idiot, but he’s a happy idiot) He is the king of mayhem, of destructions, and he is proud. You can see it in on his face. Yes I did this I’m happy Go Hemi Go!
I say a few things that are not meant for others to hear and load Hemi back up and I get into the car. Yes the stuff is flying all over the car, I’m covered in it, It’s sticking to the window and now Rooby is covered in it. And you know what? I just don’t care. I have had it. I’m done, not one more thing dear God. I roll down the windows hoping that the Stuff will fly out the windows so I don’t have to spend hours with the shop vac cleaning up the mess that hemi left in Amberly’s car, and of course how was I going to explain the newest mishap?
I’m running out of excuses and the truth never seems far from an excuse. So I get on the highway with this stuff whirling around my face and flying out the window. I hear sirens behind me. OMG, I think this is not happening. But alas it is and of course only to me. And of course I must pull over. Miss; (wow he just made my day, I haven’t been called miss since the hogs ate my brother!) May I see your proof of insurance and drivers license, and you need to secure that dog. Wow all that in one breath? I quip. Well seems Mr. lacking of sense of humor doesn’t like my attitude, and in the back of my mind; at this point I really don’t care, please take me to jail where I can get some piece and quite I think! The dog is no threat to you officer! I calmly say.... I don’t care mame you need to secure the dog! Ok I can see the officer has not made his quota of tickets to day.
He is not in a very good mood (these are my favorite kind of victims, lol), no time for jokes. Now tell me why are cops always so cranky, why can’t the laugh and smile? Hummm as was told to me by my son; because they have to deal with People like you all day! (Now that was rude!) I place leash on Hemi and reassure the office that as long as he does not touch me or the car, Hemi is no threat. What is all this white stuff in your car? he demands. Well officer you wouldn't believe me if I told you! I answer. Try me! he snaps.
OK Officer now try to keep up with this. I was called to my granddaughters pre-school because of an escaped convict. I decided it would be in the schools best interest that I take the dog instead of the arsenal that I have in the gun safe, I was having trouble deciding between the assault rifle and the rocket launcher or the hand grenade, The officer looks at me with total amazement and snaps Are you kidding me? No sir this is the God awful truth!.. continue… he snaps. So I arrive at the school expecting your guys to be all over the school securing it and there was nobody. Securing it from what mame? The escaped convict! I say. What escaped convict? The one that was in my granddaughter’s class room! The officer stand their for a minute and takes off his hat rubs his head and says to me, So you decide not to take your arsenal and put the dog in the car and take him instead, is that right? Yep! And then you come to your
granddaughter’s classroom to help capture an escaped convict that in is your
granddaughter classroom? Exactly, I say. Excuse me mame for just one minute
please! So the officer goes back to his patrol car and apparently calls all his homeboys.
Well I’m sitting in the care with Styrofoam in my nose and I’m spitting it out of my
mouth. The officer comes back to the car and ask me Mame have you been drinking?….no officer I don’t drink! What about controlled substances? You mean
like this STRYFOAM THAT IS IN EVERY CREVICE KNOWN TO MANKIND ON
MY BODY? I yell. NO mame I’m referring to narcotics or weed? Ok now I getting
irritated I have one nerve left, and he is on it. I tell him the whole true story and he thinks I’m high? OMG, unbelievable. So the next thing I know up pulls some of his homeboys and all I could think is are you freaking kidding me?
So the officer asks me to get out of the car and he grabs the door handle (oooops big mistake) and Hemi goes into protection mode and starts growling…Secure the dog mame! The dog is secure officer he is on a leash and you touched his car after I told you not to! Would you please step out of the car mame? … Why not! I snap! Now what is this stuff that you are covered in? It’s Styrofoam! From what? he ask. I could see the homeboys kind of chuckling in the background finding all this very amusing. It’s from the bean bag in the car! What Bean bag Mame? Well it not their any longer! Then where is it? In the dog I say. Do you have any proof of that? OK this guy is sooo stuck on stupid, I have had it now! This cop is going down, I’m calling my posse and I’m taking him out.
You want proof? Come to my backyard at 7:00 am tomorrow morning and I promise you that you will have your proof, it may not be in it’s original context as it has to go through the dogs SYSTEM FIRST! I snap. Calm down mame we just need to get to the truth! What Truth? I ask …the truth about the escaped convict! What escaped
convict? I ask, the one that you were going to get the arsenal for. But I didn’t get the
arsenal.... yes I know that mame, you got the dog instead!... Yep, glad your following
along, I don’t want to have to explain this twice so just try to keep up ok? Yes mame!
Ok mame let’s try to focus? focus on what? I quip… the story mame! (Boy am I having fun yanking his chain) what you’re saying is the preschool that your granddaughter is going to has an escaped convict in her classroom?. Yes she did, I answer. So where did this escape convict come from ….My house! So the escape convict came from your house? the officer is now rubbing his forehead in total confusion …Yes… So mame how did the escape convict get in your house?...I let her in, You let in the escape convict? Yes! Then how did it get to the school? he ask. She took the bus! You mean your granddaughter took the bus right? Yes and so did the escape convict. There was moment of silence. The officers were rubbing their heads and trying to figure out this whole convict thing when I knew exactly what I was talking about.
Officer Can I ask a question please?’ yes mame. Why did you pull me over? I ask
Because your vision was impaired by all this white stuff.. Ok then, Look all I want to
do is go home and get this car cleaned out before my daughter gets home from work. It was at this time that I saw the White SVU pull up and it was the canine unit from the sheriff dept that we are doing training with for Hemi. It was Ron I sight for sore eyes to say the least.
I couldn’t have been happier then to see Ron. Not only did Hemi get trained with him but He knows that regardless I had credibility and wasn’t a nut case. (yeah I know, that is to be determined) Well the officer that pulled me over was more then happy to make me into a nut case. I hear Ron laughing his head off and I had a feeling it was in my expense.
He knows me and he also knows what can happen to me will So nothing surprises him any longer when it comes to me and my dogs. Ron walks back over to the car and says Ok Sherry who is the convict? as he snickers. Its Rooby Ron, I was trying to explain this to your fellow officer and he just would not listen….. I see, he says. Well let me take it from here and you can leave try to clean off your windows enough so you can get home. I will explain everything to the other officers. (yeah I thought and would the laughing stock of the sheriff dept) Oh well at least I get out of here without a ticket I guess I should be thankful for that. So I get back into my car and as I do I turn around to the sheriff who pulled me over and Said to him….. Next time you pull me over remember I know people!...Yes mame and many more will know you!.... hummm wonder what that meant?
Oh well, just glad I could get the hell out of there with my dignity intact.
So as I approach the car I see nothing but white and I think what in the world? and then I see all this white stuff moving and with this site I can even begin to phantom what it would be. I open the car door and I am hit by a wave of white stuff that is going up my nose in my eyes and every nook and cranny that had static. Unbelievable, Holy Crap what more can go wrong with my day? (Your about to find out!) As I’m standing their pondering what my next move will be; Bam out comes Hemi bounding out of the car covered in white Styrofoam and having the best of times. He’s happy, (he’s an idiot, but he’s a happy idiot) He is the king of mayhem, of destructions, and he is proud. You can see it in on his face. Yes I did this I’m happy Go Hemi Go!
I say a few things that are not meant for others to hear and load Hemi back up and I get into the car. Yes the stuff is flying all over the car, I’m covered in it, It’s sticking to the window and now Rooby is covered in it. And you know what? I just don’t care. I have had it. I’m done, not one more thing dear God. I roll down the windows hoping that the Stuff will fly out the windows so I don’t have to spend hours with the shop vac cleaning up the mess that hemi left in Amberly’s car, and of course how was I going to explain the newest mishap?
I’m running out of excuses and the truth never seems far from an excuse. So I get on the highway with this stuff whirling around my face and flying out the window. I hear sirens behind me. OMG, I think this is not happening. But alas it is and of course only to me. And of course I must pull over. Miss; (wow he just made my day, I haven’t been called miss since the hogs ate my brother!) May I see your proof of insurance and drivers license, and you need to secure that dog. Wow all that in one breath? I quip. Well seems Mr. lacking of sense of humor doesn’t like my attitude, and in the back of my mind; at this point I really don’t care, please take me to jail where I can get some piece and quite I think! The dog is no threat to you officer! I calmly say.... I don’t care mame you need to secure the dog! Ok I can see the officer has not made his quota of tickets to day.
He is not in a very good mood (these are my favorite kind of victims, lol), no time for jokes. Now tell me why are cops always so cranky, why can’t the laugh and smile? Hummm as was told to me by my son; because they have to deal with People like you all day! (Now that was rude!) I place leash on Hemi and reassure the office that as long as he does not touch me or the car, Hemi is no threat. What is all this white stuff in your car? he demands. Well officer you wouldn't believe me if I told you! I answer. Try me! he snaps.
OK Officer now try to keep up with this. I was called to my granddaughters pre-school because of an escaped convict. I decided it would be in the schools best interest that I take the dog instead of the arsenal that I have in the gun safe, I was having trouble deciding between the assault rifle and the rocket launcher or the hand grenade, The officer looks at me with total amazement and snaps Are you kidding me? No sir this is the God awful truth!.. continue… he snaps. So I arrive at the school expecting your guys to be all over the school securing it and there was nobody. Securing it from what mame? The escaped convict! I say. What escaped convict? The one that was in my granddaughter’s class room! The officer stand their for a minute and takes off his hat rubs his head and says to me, So you decide not to take your arsenal and put the dog in the car and take him instead, is that right? Yep! And then you come to your
granddaughter’s classroom to help capture an escaped convict that in is your
granddaughter classroom? Exactly, I say. Excuse me mame for just one minute
please! So the officer goes back to his patrol car and apparently calls all his homeboys.
Well I’m sitting in the care with Styrofoam in my nose and I’m spitting it out of my
mouth. The officer comes back to the car and ask me Mame have you been drinking?….no officer I don’t drink! What about controlled substances? You mean
like this STRYFOAM THAT IS IN EVERY CREVICE KNOWN TO MANKIND ON
MY BODY? I yell. NO mame I’m referring to narcotics or weed? Ok now I getting
irritated I have one nerve left, and he is on it. I tell him the whole true story and he thinks I’m high? OMG, unbelievable. So the next thing I know up pulls some of his homeboys and all I could think is are you freaking kidding me?
So the officer asks me to get out of the car and he grabs the door handle (oooops big mistake) and Hemi goes into protection mode and starts growling…Secure the dog mame! The dog is secure officer he is on a leash and you touched his car after I told you not to! Would you please step out of the car mame? … Why not! I snap! Now what is this stuff that you are covered in? It’s Styrofoam! From what? he ask. I could see the homeboys kind of chuckling in the background finding all this very amusing. It’s from the bean bag in the car! What Bean bag Mame? Well it not their any longer! Then where is it? In the dog I say. Do you have any proof of that? OK this guy is sooo stuck on stupid, I have had it now! This cop is going down, I’m calling my posse and I’m taking him out.
You want proof? Come to my backyard at 7:00 am tomorrow morning and I promise you that you will have your proof, it may not be in it’s original context as it has to go through the dogs SYSTEM FIRST! I snap. Calm down mame we just need to get to the truth! What Truth? I ask …the truth about the escaped convict! What escaped
convict? I ask, the one that you were going to get the arsenal for. But I didn’t get the
arsenal.... yes I know that mame, you got the dog instead!... Yep, glad your following
along, I don’t want to have to explain this twice so just try to keep up ok? Yes mame!
Ok mame let’s try to focus? focus on what? I quip… the story mame! (Boy am I having fun yanking his chain) what you’re saying is the preschool that your granddaughter is going to has an escaped convict in her classroom?. Yes she did, I answer. So where did this escape convict come from ….My house! So the escape convict came from your house? the officer is now rubbing his forehead in total confusion …Yes… So mame how did the escape convict get in your house?...I let her in, You let in the escape convict? Yes! Then how did it get to the school? he ask. She took the bus! You mean your granddaughter took the bus right? Yes and so did the escape convict. There was moment of silence. The officers were rubbing their heads and trying to figure out this whole convict thing when I knew exactly what I was talking about.
Officer Can I ask a question please?’ yes mame. Why did you pull me over? I ask
Because your vision was impaired by all this white stuff.. Ok then, Look all I want to
do is go home and get this car cleaned out before my daughter gets home from work. It was at this time that I saw the White SVU pull up and it was the canine unit from the sheriff dept that we are doing training with for Hemi. It was Ron I sight for sore eyes to say the least.
I couldn’t have been happier then to see Ron. Not only did Hemi get trained with him but He knows that regardless I had credibility and wasn’t a nut case. (yeah I know, that is to be determined) Well the officer that pulled me over was more then happy to make me into a nut case. I hear Ron laughing his head off and I had a feeling it was in my expense.
He knows me and he also knows what can happen to me will So nothing surprises him any longer when it comes to me and my dogs. Ron walks back over to the car and says Ok Sherry who is the convict? as he snickers. Its Rooby Ron, I was trying to explain this to your fellow officer and he just would not listen….. I see, he says. Well let me take it from here and you can leave try to clean off your windows enough so you can get home. I will explain everything to the other officers. (yeah I thought and would the laughing stock of the sheriff dept) Oh well at least I get out of here without a ticket I guess I should be thankful for that. So I get back into my car and as I do I turn around to the sheriff who pulled me over and Said to him….. Next time you pull me over remember I know people!...Yes mame and many more will know you!.... hummm wonder what that meant?
Oh well, just glad I could get the hell out of there with my dignity intact.
Why Can't I just do Normal?
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